The New Old Me

It's been a while. No explanations or excuses. Life happens and this writing thing comes in cycles for me. Like life...everything happens all at once...then for a long time...crickets and tumbleweed.

I have so much to say...and nothing at all. There is nothing new under the sun except maybe my attitude towards life. No sweeping announcements. No major epiphany or reintroduction of the new me. The new attitude is just the old me making different choices…let’s see how long they last.

I can't really stand that whole announcement thing anyway - although I have been guilty of it on occasion. Don't get me wrong, I love growth and I love tests that turn into testimony. I learn from that, and I actually seek people who have a genuine lesson they can share with me. Why go through what they already went through for me? No - what I can't stand are the self-reflection junkies...the people that have a weekly epiphany that in the end changes nothing about their lives. I count myself among them in some respects - my weekly revelation is about my weight...and I still have that revelation...every week... because I haven't fully committed to changing that part of my life. BUT I know that I am full of shit on that and I won't try to sell you otherwise. I am only convincing myself or trying to at any rate. When I am committed - I make a real effort and I don't need to tell you and the world about it unless I just need the encouragement at that moment.

But back to my “new” attitude toward life. It didn't come on suddenly. It has been building up over the last few years and I guess this year - the year I am turning 40 - I have really begun to notice the difference.

How do I explain it? Well it's a little bit of self-love, some getting over the fear of consequences and of not pleasing people, and some confidence in my abilities. It's also knowing that my heart is "usually" in the right place and that I have some common sense, and that people who know me will know that, or they should by now. I make mistakes and sometimes my judgment can be questionable...but I haven't met a person who can't say the same. I have also learned that I am responsible for my life...all of it. Where I am now is a direct result of choices I have made (in the context of what I can control). There is no one to blame but me and there is no one that can force me to act outside of my nature. When I do - I made the choice to respond to a given situation in a certain manner. And I will deal with the fall out. Nothing harmful that I do is justified – there are reasons yes…but that is not the same as justification. Even if I have a reason to do something my actions are still a choice. By the same token if I do something good – I get the credit for making a good choice…and how nice is that, even if the credit only comes from me and GOD. (Getting too stuck in the weeds here – let me move on)

Anyway I am beginning to look at what I am shown and decide if I want to be in a particular space or not. I mean taking a good long look and truly seeing...and deciding if in the end - the picture is worth the price. People assume that if you overpaid for something then you were swindled. Not so. There have been many times that I have willingly overpaid for something I wanted because it mattered to me. I have gladly overpaid for convenience, for beauty, for something that just made me feel good, for the look on someones face when I do something extravagant for them. That’s what I am willing to pay and it may not feel right for you but it doesn’t have to. If I am truly OK and I know what I am getting then that is all there is. I've learned to extend that knowledge and grace to others as well - and not be so quick to judge and shake my head at what they put up with...or what they fight tooth and nail for that I wouldn't give the time of day. Who knows what makes them tick? I sure don't. And on the flip side...if the price is too high...I'm out. But only I know my threshold and so only I am truly qualified to do my own risk/benefit analysis.

It's been so strange - this sense of self, this willingness to lose things or shake things up in order to be good to me. I have spoken my mind more since November than I had in 8 years of marriage (yes I am aware that's a problem – work in progress). I have been unashamed about my feelings and my life. I have been vulnerable without fear of how it will be used against me. And I have shown those I love that I love them without knowing what the reaction might be. It's so freeing and so effin' scary.

Let me step back for a moment...I am still new at this "not trying to please the world" thing so I am not trying to say that I don't still wrestle with my thoughts before speaking or that I don't agonize about the reaction of someone I care about when I do or say something that's best for me but not necessarily good for them. I completely do. I’m scared to death someone will close the door on me because I have to do what’s right for me – but then that door was never really open to ME was it. And understand that I had to LOSE BIG to get to this place. But that was part of the plan to make me more aware of what I can actually do and what I really need – not just what I want and what will make everyone else the most comfortable.  I am by nature - someone who wants to please people and take care of them. It's my gift and my crutch. It's what makes me such a good martyr. HA! But at some point if you don't take care of you, your whole being will turn against you. It's true - the stress will manifest itself in all kinds of crazy ways. And when I say "take care of you" I don't mean being selfish, I mean self-love and self-care. I mean not letting yourself be manipulated or at least being aware of it when it's happening. I mean making sure you are not the only one bringing something to the table unless you're really the only one who can. I mean not taking on drama that you don't have to and setting the rules of engagement for yourself. I mean not escaping…but going through the process of dealing and healing. Ah escapism…I know ye well.

I'm rambling. I do that often. It's my blog so I guess it's OK to do that here. I say all that to say that I am not a new person, I don't have a new mantra for 2013, and I am not this new - sexy, fabulous, free woman. I am not going to pull out my best Sex And The City imitation outfit and strut through NYC – wind machine blowing my newly grown-out hair. I am the same person I have always been - I am older, wiser, open, sexy, fabulous, crazy, and completely able to care for me. I want love and affection and trust and prosperity and health. I love to laugh, and read, and drink wine, and hug my kid, and watch bad movies and be a general nerd. I would wear jeans and cowboy boots and a V-neck tee to formal events if I could. I wear A LOT of jewelry. I cuss way too much.  And I know that a man can't complete me or make me feel what I don't already feel about myself...but by golly a man is real NEED to have for me (sorry - I know my sentiments are not en vogue but they are my truth).

I am all the things I always was - I am just no longer so afraid to say that or be that. I no longer feel guilty about making sure that I am alright and that I am protected. I am no longer in "dumb myself down so you're not uncomfortable" mode. Be uncomfortable - not my issue. I am no longer going to attend every argument I am invited to so that I can plead my case. I am no longer as worried about people not understanding - if they want understanding they will seek it. All my tap dancing didn't work anyway - someone always walked away from the dance unhappy. Usually me – and how much does that suck?  

So forgive me if my new attitude spills over on to the table cloth - I am still new to this as I said. I will screw things up and I will make bad calls. Just know that it's with the intention of being happy so that I can spread the wealth. Happiness is both contagious and a choice. But that's another entry.

Thanks for reading and forgive the typos. Hope you enjoyed the rant...or not. I'll be here talking in any case.