The List...#22 "There is always a choice..."

So let’s get started. I've got a glass of wine...I've had a long day...I am feeling good because it was productive but worked up because some things happened today that I am not sure how to address or if I even should. Instead of deciding on that right now - I am going to put my energy into writing. I am choosing not to worry about something that is out of my hands anyway...which brings me to our topic...#22 on the list - "There is always a choice..."

This is a hard lesson to teach a child. I struggle with how to illustrate this to my daughter. She's at that age where kids generally make excuses for poor choices that get them into trouble. Taking accountability for a poor choice or a difficult choice is learned behavior for the vast majority of us. And in a society that has a label and a disorder for every action/reaction we can name...we seem to be learning about accountability less and less. My child is hard headed...like her dad...like me. So what can I tell her?

Well here is the thing...you can't get away from your choices. You never know how the consequences may play out or even when. Accepting the consequences sucks sometimes, but that is part of being a grown up. I still struggle with it. But baby let me be clear...you can't half-ass accountability. It doesn't work. You have to own your stuff and know yourself before you can begin to live honestly.

I've made some interesting choices when it has come to love and relationships for example. Man… I really am here by the Grace of GOD because I have put myself in some really stupid situations when it comes to men. I was young...I was stupid...I was normal...I needed attention...I was looking for approval...I was sexually curious...I was trusting…and all of it was my choice. I didn’t see that then, but I know it now. Hindsight is not 20/20 – hindsight is a bitch that only chooses to kick in once you’ve already gone through! And when you're young you don't know why you are making some of the choices that you are...but just be aware that you have options even when it doesn't feel that way.

In your 20s you'll start to examine WHY you make the choices you make...and you'll still find a way to blame outside factors...your parents, the dude in question, not enough attention growing up, etc. etc. We all do it...we sit around in our dorms and talk about how we HAD to scratch his car because we found out he was cheating. LMAO - because just confronting him would have been too hard I guess. I get it. I’ve been there. I have scratched the car and I felt good…only for a moment though. Yeah...I need therapy...don't judge me!

The hope is that in your 30s...just going by my own experiences and what I have observed in people around me...anyway - in your 30s my hope is that you'll realize that you made and continue make choices based solely on what you want to do at that moment. The rest of it...all the outside factors are just that...motivators for a choice that ultimately lies with you. If you learn what those motivators are...if you are honest with yourself about what you want and need...you'll understand your past choices better, you'll learn what negative things cause you to make negative choices, you'll learn when fear affects your decision, you'll learn when selfishness motivates you instead of love, and you'll learn what helps you to choose wisely and justly.

If you're really interested in growing (because aren’t we all LMAO!) - you'll learn to get past (passed?) the negative factors that motivate you to make poor choices...anger, jealousy, fear, extreme self-preservation, ease...and you'll make choices that may be difficult, but may be better for you in the long run. You'll stop blaming everyone and everything else for your situation...your teacher, your mom, GOD, the other woman, the dude in question. (Him again! LOL) But that is a lifelong lesson that isn't accomplished in a day. Let me say it again - Accountability Sucks. It doesn't allow you to stay a child. It doesn't allow you to pretend you don't see and sweep things under the rug. It doesn't allow you to let go without looking inward first. That is the scary part, knowing it will all come back around, the same choices in a different form, again and again, until you get to the root of your choice. Why did you CHOOSE to lie, why did you CHOOSE to cheat on him, why did you CHOOSE to buy that bag instead of paying your phone bill, why did you CHOOSE to ignore the signs...they were NEON for crying out loud.

I have made poor choices...I continue to...but I know they are my choices. I choose to learn from them, I choose not to sometimes and I stay stuck. I choose to forgive myself...and sometimes I just choose to continue beating myself up. I choose GOD and sometimes I choose to ignore HIS word and HIS way. I choose the easy way for a quick fix sometimes...and sometimes...like now...I choose the hard road so I can find me. BUT it’s all...choice...no one makes me do anything but me. You can’t continue to secretly blame this or that or him or her…because the bad patterns will continue and the positive ones won’t start. GOD has given me free will as HE has to you. So if you find there is no option...look harder...look inward...retrace your steps...how'd you get here...choice.

So back to my wine...and my dilemma from earlier. What dilemma? I choose to conveniently forget.

Can't wait until we can talk about this! The rest of you...enjoy...or don't. I'll be here talking in any case.

The List...And What to DO With It

So back in 2009...no it started before that with a conversation on my couch in 2004...anyway I had an idea to write to my newly born daughter. I wanted to save her some life-drama by sharing a few of my stories with her, and possibly keep her from some of the ridiculousness that I had to learn the hard way. I wanted to be candid and true with her in a way I never would be able to face-to-face. Because honestly…as much as I try to follow the Claire Huxtable parenting example, I am still an old-school, West Indian woman at heart, and there are just certain things that are hard for me to discuss with my child…and they’ll still be hard when she’s 40. (Look I’m trying – don’t judge me!)  

Anyway the idea became larger than just writing to her. I wanted to write for many little girls and women-to-be. I thought it would be cool to have a grown woman pull back the curtain so to speak...and reveal some of the things that their own mothers wouldn't tell them because it would blow a hole in the mother-daughter - I rule you follow blindly - dynamic. I didn't know where to start though. So in 2009 I came up with a list of things that I thought it was just generally important to share, woman to girl, and I posted it on Face Book. The intent was to make each item on the list its own post. But true to form...I never got to that. The response to the list though...well it was overwhelming and unexpected.

Fast forward 8 years (from the couch conversation not the Face Book post…keep up) and guess what!? I have since learned that each person has their own path of mistake-lessons that they are destined to travel. Well DUH! So I may not be able to save my kid from all her drama-to-be, or yours for that matter, but the list...my list…still seems like an interesting idea to me. So here is the deal...the list is below...read at your leisure. I am going to randomly pick a topic from the list to write about whenever the mood strikes. That will keep me writing, and hopefully it will keep you reading. In the process I may share a story or two, that while completely inappropriate and TMI, you may relate to. Either way the here's the list. Enjoy or don't - I'll be here talking in any case.

*Note: If you like my ideas feel free to share BUT please give me credit. Stealing is bad and my ideas are my babies. You wouldn't want to be a kidnapper now would you? Now go ahead and read.

1.      Your relationship with your father or lack thereof, shapes you forever. It is probably the most important of your life.

2.      It is great to have your own opinion even if it doesn’t “fit.”

3.      It is important to know when to share that opinion and when to keep it to yourself.

4.      A true leader or ruler knows when to submit. This will be true of all your relationships.

5.      Look at all of your relationships – friends, lovers, employers, employees, children – and you will find patterns. You are the common denominator.

6.      Judge not lest ye be judged.

7.      Everything you do comes back to you, but not in the way you think or expect.

8.      Your mother and father have done it before you – you are not slick.

9.      He will not like you better if you do it, he will spend more time with you because you do it. That is not the same thing.

10.  You are worth more than you could ever imagine, act accordingly.

11.  You set your price, no one else does.

12.  Your hair is fine. You are beautiful.

13.  We are all jealous and envious, even the cool girl, especially the cool girl.

14.  Your parents are just as messed up as you. They are still working on their own self esteem and issues. Give them a break.

15.  If you don’t feel safe, he is not for you.

16.  If he does not say you are his girlfriend in front of people, then you are not.

17.  Credit is important – learn as much as you can about it.

18.  Anything or anyone that tries isolating you from your family, friends, and what you know to be home, is not good. That includes church.

19.  The nerdy kid that dresses funny and talks to himself, may be your boss some day. Treat him well.

20.  The nerdy kid that dresses funny and talks to himself, may also become a crazy lunatic. So again, treat him well.

21.  Ok so 19 and 20 are funny, but I say all that to say that you never know who is sitting next to you, or what they could be in your life. There is something to learn from everyone.

22.  There is always a choice.

23.  People don’t change, they make different choices…it’s called growing up.

24.  Food is good – develop a healthy relationship with it.

25.  Exercise now so it becomes a habit.

26.  Please look at how he treats his mother and the other women in his life before getting involved. Even if she’s crazy – look at how he handles her.

27.  His ex’s story could soon be yours. There are two sides to every story. The truth is between them. She couldn’t be that bad if he chose her and if she is THAT bad, then question his intelligence.

28.  Even if he says he doesn’t care – learn to cook something well, clean up after yourself, and have something you do that does not involve him.

29.  Everything mentioned in number 28 you should be doing for yourself anyway.

30.  Learn to love other girls and women; they are your source of strength, wisdom, and experience. Say hi and smile. Her blues are like yours.

a.      A note about #30: You sound ignorant when you say “I don’t really get down with girls like that.” You don’t sound cool. Men will flock to you because they know you will look out for them before your girls any day. They trust that you will always believe them first and place more value in what they say, than what you see. It’s called being any easy target. They go for the ones with low self esteem first, then you next. Yes we can be catty, but so can they. Get over it.

31.  Pursue your dreams and develop your talents – but be ready for rejection, criticism, and being told you are not talented.

32.  You are really smart and beautiful, but you won’t always be the smartest or the most beautiful person in the room. It doesn’t matter – enjoy the days when you are that person. And when it’s not your turn, learn to let others enjoy their moment.

33.  Education is more important than you know. Take it seriously.

34.  Learn to work what you’ve got – your body is yours forever. (Talk to mom about that one)

35.  It’s okay if you don’t want to have kids. It’s your life. There is no definition of womanhood that you are required to meet.

36.  Take calculated risks, but take risks.

37.  Ask questions and never be afraid of appearing stupid – someone else has the same question.

38.  The angry black woman thing is a myth, but is partly true. We have our reasons, but that is not a pass to be heinous to people just because. Try to roll your eyes and your neck a little less each day. Anger takes energy.

39.  People’s perception is their reality – there is but so much you can control – so make sure you are in order, appropriate, and informed, and the rest will take care of itself.

40.  Did I say that credit was important already….well I am saying it twice. I can do that. It’s my list.

41.  You will be lonely if you do not learn to compromise.

42.  Learn to save for what you want. Trust me – being given everything is not all it’s cracked up to be.

43.  Never become so independent that no one can depend on you.

44.  Don’t be afraid to be interesting.

45.  Paying dues is not a bad thing. Being a doormat is. There are some things you have to earn, but learn to recognize when you’ve earned it.

46.  Good shoes are not a nice to have; they are a NEED to have. Trust me – foot surgery is not fun.

47.  If you hit him…you may get hit back. Are you ready for that?

48.  It sucks, but you will be judged by the company you keep.

49.  Yes…It’s true…you should wait…not forever…but wait. Trust me, its better when you are BOTH in love, when you are BOTH protected, and when you BOTH kind of know what you like or what you are doing. I know…how will you ever know what you're doing if you don’t do it. That’s just one of life’s little jokes.

50.  I know this list is long, and seems impossible. That’s why you weren’t put here alone. Talk…to people…who love you…who have gone through it…who can point you in the right direction…who you trust…who can keep a secret…and who know when they shouldn’t.