My daughter and I have epic battles about her behavior. She’s
an extremely bright, beautiful young lady, with…how can I say this…a great deal
of energy. Our battles inevitably start because of her self control or lack
thereof, which, as a child of West Indian parents raised pre-independence from
Great Britain, I cannot tolerate. Control and order was the rule of our home
and much like the empire – the rulers ruled and the subjects did their duty.
I sound just like my
effin’ mother when I am telling her to “keep herself quiet”, which scares the
crap out of me but also makes me laugh secretly. I was always of the mind set
that I would be nothing like my parents and their “children should be seen and
not heard, children’s emotions are theory not reality, there is no conversation
because I run tings” style of parenting. But I have to admit – they got some of
that right. Evidence: My sister and I – both very intense Scorpio women – have learned
to navigate through life’s craziness with class and self respect in tact. (All
opinions to the contrary can go read someone else’s blog! LOL) But really,
while its true that we need therapy and that our shoulders are so tense that we’ll
eventually need surgery to remove the knots…there is something to be said for
having self control.
Now we are an extreme case of the dark terror that lurks
beneath a serene mask. And we both have applied much less stringent rules to
our own children…in that we let them breathe in our presence and they can voice
their displeasure with something about once a quarter. BUT we both instill the
importance of keeping outbursts at bay, and we make those little fools
recognize that we are the authority and we don’t HAVE to care how you feel.
Sometimes you just eat shit and this doesn’t change as you get older. When you
get older - it will be your Boss feeding you crap and they won’t give you a hug
after.
Here is the thing…kids that do not learn self control, and
beyond that, that they are not the center of the universe, grow up to be
spoiled, self indulgent adults. They grow to be the panic ridden alarmists at
work that hype up every small situation because they can’t be calm until the
situation is properly assessed. They grow up to be the guy that has to fight at
EVERY event because someone “looked” at him funny. They grow to be the woman
who rolls her eyes and makes nasty faces during meetings because she lets her
emotions spill into the work environment. They are the people who justify
putting their hands on people because they can’t control their anger and
express them selves as an adult should. They let emotions control them to the
point of being disrespectful even to people they care about.
Don’t get me wrong…we all have times when we lose it. I am
referring to consistent offenders. At this point, at my age, I should know how
to behave on a regular basis. And if I lose it at a meeting – I want people to
know…wow for HER to lose it…some shit done gone wrong. If I have to put my
hands on someone at 38…it should be unavoidable. I just do not believe that
people should be allowed to be ridiculous because “that’s just them.” That’s a
crock. That is an excuse. It’s an evasion of responsibility. And my daughter
will not learn that in my home.
Look, by no means am I saying that it is an easy task to
control my emotions. In fact I know I am probably damaging some other part of
me by not letting loose more often. And honestly… in my head, someone is always
due for an ass-whippin’. LMAO! But if everyone let themselves behave like they wanted to at every moment -
what a world this would be. Then the teacher who is having a bad day and doesn’t
want hear the same question, from the same child, for the 100th time…would
be able to take that frustration out on that kid. And one day that child could
be mine. See then I would have to get foolish in a public setting.
My girlfriends and I talk about this often. I have learned
control to the point of intolerance, and that is the subject of many jokes
amongst my clan. They all know that if
someone speaks to me in some crazy tone, or if you blurt out something hurtful
and then use the “that’s just me being me” excuse, I am shutting down on you
for a good while…because it’s hard for me to understand not being in control of
your emotions unless in the proper setting. I know, I know - I need to work on
that. But on the flip side…If I have to
think before I speak, then why do you get to skate? Look if one of my girls
gets into a once in a lifetime physical fight with her man and she calls me and
the goon squad to come “deal with his case” that is one thing. But if she is a
repeat offender that regularly gets in his face or puts her hands on him, and
he finally decides to smack her back. Well then that’s her fight – because I am
not endangering myself because she can’t use her words. I am not advocating a
man putting his hands on a woman, but I won’t excuse her either. We are not
kids. And while that example is extreme, we see little snippets of people
without self control everyday. I know someone threw a mini tantrum at your job
today…think hard…you know I’m right. And if it was you – check yourself.
This all came up because I was sitting in a meeting today
with a very panicky colleague of mine. She was raging about some minor thing
which is not unusual for her. And she mentioned how I seemed so calm. I laughed
and assured her that I am always on 10 inside but that my upbringing forbade me
from showing emotion ever, much less in a work setting. The client sitting next
to me said “yeah you must be West Indian because you sound like me.” We quickly
discovered that we were both Jamaican. LMFAO. She went on to say that people
often confuse her calm demeanor for her lacking a sense of urgency, which I have
experienced as well. But as people get
to know you, they come to see you as a stabilizer which is not a bad thing but
it does become taxing once and a while.
Ultimately my daughter and I have very different
personalities. And I want her to be able to express herself much more freely
than I did. But she has to learn to be intelligent and respectful about how she
does that. And she has to learn to manage me, and her dad, and our separate styles,
because as I said…these are skills that you need as an adult. My sister and I
do OK for ourselves, and I have really come to appreciate my parents for teaching
me to keep it together by any means necessary. I mean would I have liked to
have an opinion…sure. Would I have liked the pleasure of saying “mom – I’d
really rather you didn’t put me in a purple outfit with red ribbons,”…well
yeah. Would being able to ask a question in a room full of adults…like oh I don’t
know…can I get off the couch because its 90 degrees in here and the plastic is
making me sweat…would that have been nice…Yes. But you can’t have EVERYTHING!
LMAO.
Anyway – enough of my rambling. And I promise I will blog
about any tantrums I throw just to keep it fair. Enjoy…or not. I will keep talking in any case.
