Sign Wanted

Ever ask GOD for a sign and then open yourself up to seeing one and come up with...crickets. Sometimes I feel like the signs are everywhere and that they very clearly point to one thing or another. Other times I would kill for a damned sign...a bright, neon, blinking, obnoxious sign. What the hell is happening? They were all there before! Is it GOD not talking? Well that's just silly because he always answers...I believe that. So clearly it’s me not seeing.
 
Sometimes I wonder if GOD is just fickle. I say this because things that were once so clear are now really effin fuzzy, and sometimes what seemed nebulous is now so clear that I can't see how I missed it. Must be GOD playing games right? But again, HE doesn't operate that way so it must be me misinterpreting. That makes total sense because I am often off my rocker.
 
I'm ranting because I am at a crossroads in my life in a few different and important aspects. And I have been talking with a friend about being faithful to what I thought was my path. Maybe it still is - maybe it's not. The writing that was once clear is not so clear now. Or maybe the season and the reason are over...and well…that sucks. I was just digging into said season. And I am willing to admit that GOD and I have been arguing...well really it’s just been me because HE does this thing where HE lets me scream and pout like I am six, and then fixes everything anyway, and never how I expect it. Because like I said a few blogs back...GOD protects babies and fools so clearly I am a baby-fool.
 
But back to my path and the signs. So yeah - when I was going through my separation/divorce...possibly the worst time I have ever experienced...I was so faithful and grateful for everything I had. I was doubled over in pain and crying floods of tears daily, but somehow I remembered to be thankful because I knew that someone, somewhere, had it much worse than me. I knew that one door had closed, but the open window was waiting if I would just look up. In those days that seem like just yesterday and an entire lifetime ago - the signs were everywhere. SIGNS ABOUND!!! (Love using abound whenever I can… love using query and quandary too but couldn’t work them in. Sigh)
 
Some of the signs were painful – like really painful – like images burned into my brain painful- but they were things I needed to see. And in those days I listened. When I was shown something - when it was confirmed more than once - I acted accordingly. More specifically when something couldn't be fixed, I didn't drag my feet hoping for change. I wasn’t lazy and I didn’t make excuses for why I wasn’t quite ready to move. I planned my next steps and made haste. And when something was worth the fight...I planted my feet.
 
Some of the signs were bright and shiny and new and dazzling…and I was happy for them. Simply…happy, and just really glad to find my way in the dark.
 
Either way, the signs were there. My path was illuminated. I followed it. So how did I get here...to yet another crossroads...and no clear way?
 
Comfort is the culprit…comfort and fear of the unknown. I do this thing. I get comfortable and content and I forget to move. Or I get scared of failing or worse…succeeding! So I seek the comfortable and hug the status quo lane. And everything in that space is familiar and safe and eventually taken for granted and then BAM…the shakeup.  I tweeted something once - that life begins at the edge of your comfort zone. Well I am here at the edge. And I really don't want to go through the doubled over in pain/tears thing again for ANY reason so I guess I need to get back to looking for that damned window and being faithful. I just hate discomfort!!! Don't you!? Seriously, it’s like the shakeup has a tracking system on me.
 
But I am hearing the damned crickets and I wish I could just “put on my listening ears” like my daughter’s kindergarten teacher used to say. (She once asked me, what the regular ears are for if she had to put on the listening ones…good question kid) Look I just want GOD to see that I am listening and watching…soooo let’s make with the neon and flashing!

I know this is odd because I haven't written since March and this is clearly not on the "List" but I started to write and this came out. I'm in a strange space so strange things will happen. Anyway its 2:40AM and I am not tired...shocking!!! I don't sleep much, which makes me an expert in Cable Awareness. I am going back to being aware of my very expensive Comcast Premier Package.

Forgive my typos...it's late and I know you have sense and get what I mean. And I'll come back and edit someday. Hope you enjoyed...or not. I'll be here talking in any case.

 

The List: A Combo Deal #49. Yes…It’s true you should wait… & 9. He will not like you better if you do it…

So my divorce is final…Wow that hurt to write. Ummm anyway – it’s final and I have been thinking a great deal about how I got to where I am, but in sections you know? Sections like self-esteem, daddy issues, past relationships, trust issues etc. Anyway I decided to focus on past relationships this week and since my memory is my special gift/curse…I took it way back to the beginning…Losing my virginity.

I had two items on the list that kind of covered this so I decided to combo them. Keep in mind that I am supposed to be writing this for my kid…so I am going to completely put her out of my head (along with anyone else that could be reading this like my DAD!!!) and just write. That’s the only way the whole story…the honest story will come out. So here we go #49:

“Yes…It’s true…you should wait…not forever…but wait. Trust me, it’s better when you are BOTH in love, when you are BOTH protected, and when you BOTH kind of know what you like or what you are doing. I know…how will you ever know what you're doing if you don’t do it. That’s just one of life’s little jokes.”

And # 9:

“He will not like you better if you do it, he will spend more time with you because you do it. That is not the same thing.”

Let’s start off by putting all cards on the table. I did not lose my virginity. It was not misplaced or stolen. I did not leave it behind on the bus. I was however…careless with it. I made the decision to have sex for the first time, because I wanted to see what all the hoopla was about, AND because I was a sexually curious kid so let’s face it, waiting for marriage wasn’t going to happen. At 15 – I made a conscious choice to just do it…not with someone I loved (I didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time) but with someone specifically chosen for the task.  His criteria:

·         He did not go to school with me – this was my business and I didn’t want input or judgment (that’s a theme with me huh)

·         He was cute and had a great body for a 16/17 year old

·         Experience a MUST…I was sooo not interested in fumbling around with someone just as clueless as me so I picked someone that was known for well…doing his thing…BUT never from his lips which leads to the next item…

·         He was always discreet – whatever you knew about him came from speculation or from the girl involved. And he would never confirm anything nor lead you to believe things by omission (Translation – at a young age he was already a man about his shit)

·         Finally – He was a well raised young man from a family much like my own, so he knew how to behave. I like bad boys…not hoodlums and thugs…big difference

And after all that – The man in question is now serving consecutive 50 year sentences for rape, robbery, and battery…

Nope I am not kidding.

When you compose yourself you may join me for the program already in progress…

Anyway regardless of where he is now…he treated me with respect and he was as gentle as he could be. I called him up with a very businesslike proposition and he tried to make it nice for me anyway. I appreciate that to this day. BUT I still regret my choice and how it happened. Here’s why.

Later that year I fell in love. Not pretend love. Not teenage jitters and angst and heavy feelings disguised as love…real love. I still love this man at 38 though not in “that” way. I love what he was to me and that he is still one of the coolest people with the best minds that I have ever met. We shared books, and music, and interests, and beliefs. We were inseparable. I loved his family. I loved his friends. He talked to me and expressed himself in a way that made me spoiled and intolerant of less in future relationships regardless of age. I – Loved - Him. And I wish that I had waited…and made that memory…with him. Because, while it wasn’t bad, and I have no hard-luck horror story (except the pain…OMG!!!!)…my choice of partner wasn’t worthy of the gift I gave. I don’t mean that he was unworthy as a person. Who am I to judge that? I mean that what I shared, as much as I like to pretend it wasn’t a big deal… was very precious. The person I chose to share that with should have shared my mind, and my friendship, and my trust, and my heart as well. I set my price too low…and for reasons I know now, but didn’t then…I would continue to do so for a long time…which directly leads to…or reverses from…# 49, back to # 9 - He will not like you better if you do it, he will spend more time with you because you do it. That is not the same thing.

The reality is that I, and many girls…hell women, use the physical to be liked and to keep men near us. (Usually the wrong men which is another sad story) Our self-worth issues run deep. I know mine do. And we mistake him spending time with us, for him caring. I can’t even begin to figure out how to change this…so all I can do is repeat…

He will not like you better if you do it, he will spend more time with you because you do it. That is not the same thing.

He will tell you, and you will tell yourself, that people are just uptight and old fashioned. You will tell yourself that you can have sex and not get emotional knowing all the while that you like him so much that your insides hurt. Of course there is the occasional man that you really and truly just want to use for his body and sexual talent. But honestly…I know all kinds of women…and we are just not built to be fulfilled by sex alone. Usually the “boy toy” exists because another man is fulfilling your emotional and soul-deep needs but doesn’t do it for you in the sex department…. But I digress.

Back to my kid…

I say all that to say…WAIT…and you don’t need to have sex to have companionship. If you can wait until marriage well GREAT!!!! I couldn’t – and I knew that very early on. But we are different people so you may be able to make choices that I didn’t. If however, you end up anything like me…please…just wait for someone that you care about and that cares about you and knowing you. And not just someone with the patience to wait you out either…you’re smart enough to know the difference because you are already smarter than I was at your age. Look honey…all I want is for you to know your worth and to set your price far above rubies…but that is another number on the list and another entry.

Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed… or not …I  will be here talking in any case.

The List...#22 "There is always a choice..."

So let’s get started. I've got a glass of wine...I've had a long day...I am feeling good because it was productive but worked up because some things happened today that I am not sure how to address or if I even should. Instead of deciding on that right now - I am going to put my energy into writing. I am choosing not to worry about something that is out of my hands anyway...which brings me to our topic...#22 on the list - "There is always a choice..."

This is a hard lesson to teach a child. I struggle with how to illustrate this to my daughter. She's at that age where kids generally make excuses for poor choices that get them into trouble. Taking accountability for a poor choice or a difficult choice is learned behavior for the vast majority of us. And in a society that has a label and a disorder for every action/reaction we can name...we seem to be learning about accountability less and less. My child is hard headed...like her dad...like me. So what can I tell her?

Well here is the thing...you can't get away from your choices. You never know how the consequences may play out or even when. Accepting the consequences sucks sometimes, but that is part of being a grown up. I still struggle with it. But baby let me be clear...you can't half-ass accountability. It doesn't work. You have to own your stuff and know yourself before you can begin to live honestly.

I've made some interesting choices when it has come to love and relationships for example. Man… I really am here by the Grace of GOD because I have put myself in some really stupid situations when it comes to men. I was young...I was stupid...I was normal...I needed attention...I was looking for approval...I was sexually curious...I was trusting…and all of it was my choice. I didn’t see that then, but I know it now. Hindsight is not 20/20 – hindsight is a bitch that only chooses to kick in once you’ve already gone through! And when you're young you don't know why you are making some of the choices that you are...but just be aware that you have options even when it doesn't feel that way.

In your 20s you'll start to examine WHY you make the choices you make...and you'll still find a way to blame outside factors...your parents, the dude in question, not enough attention growing up, etc. etc. We all do it...we sit around in our dorms and talk about how we HAD to scratch his car because we found out he was cheating. LMAO - because just confronting him would have been too hard I guess. I get it. I’ve been there. I have scratched the car and I felt good…only for a moment though. Yeah...I need therapy...don't judge me!

The hope is that in your 30s...just going by my own experiences and what I have observed in people around me...anyway - in your 30s my hope is that you'll realize that you made and continue make choices based solely on what you want to do at that moment. The rest of it...all the outside factors are just that...motivators for a choice that ultimately lies with you. If you learn what those motivators are...if you are honest with yourself about what you want and need...you'll understand your past choices better, you'll learn what negative things cause you to make negative choices, you'll learn when fear affects your decision, you'll learn when selfishness motivates you instead of love, and you'll learn what helps you to choose wisely and justly.

If you're really interested in growing (because aren’t we all LMAO!) - you'll learn to get past (passed?) the negative factors that motivate you to make poor choices...anger, jealousy, fear, extreme self-preservation, ease...and you'll make choices that may be difficult, but may be better for you in the long run. You'll stop blaming everyone and everything else for your situation...your teacher, your mom, GOD, the other woman, the dude in question. (Him again! LOL) But that is a lifelong lesson that isn't accomplished in a day. Let me say it again - Accountability Sucks. It doesn't allow you to stay a child. It doesn't allow you to pretend you don't see and sweep things under the rug. It doesn't allow you to let go without looking inward first. That is the scary part, knowing it will all come back around, the same choices in a different form, again and again, until you get to the root of your choice. Why did you CHOOSE to lie, why did you CHOOSE to cheat on him, why did you CHOOSE to buy that bag instead of paying your phone bill, why did you CHOOSE to ignore the signs...they were NEON for crying out loud.

I have made poor choices...I continue to...but I know they are my choices. I choose to learn from them, I choose not to sometimes and I stay stuck. I choose to forgive myself...and sometimes I just choose to continue beating myself up. I choose GOD and sometimes I choose to ignore HIS word and HIS way. I choose the easy way for a quick fix sometimes...and sometimes...like now...I choose the hard road so I can find me. BUT it’s all...choice...no one makes me do anything but me. You can’t continue to secretly blame this or that or him or her…because the bad patterns will continue and the positive ones won’t start. GOD has given me free will as HE has to you. So if you find there is no option...look harder...look inward...retrace your steps...how'd you get here...choice.

So back to my wine...and my dilemma from earlier. What dilemma? I choose to conveniently forget.

Can't wait until we can talk about this! The rest of you...enjoy...or don't. I'll be here talking in any case.

The List...And What to DO With It

So back in 2009...no it started before that with a conversation on my couch in 2004...anyway I had an idea to write to my newly born daughter. I wanted to save her some life-drama by sharing a few of my stories with her, and possibly keep her from some of the ridiculousness that I had to learn the hard way. I wanted to be candid and true with her in a way I never would be able to face-to-face. Because honestly…as much as I try to follow the Claire Huxtable parenting example, I am still an old-school, West Indian woman at heart, and there are just certain things that are hard for me to discuss with my child…and they’ll still be hard when she’s 40. (Look I’m trying – don’t judge me!)  

Anyway the idea became larger than just writing to her. I wanted to write for many little girls and women-to-be. I thought it would be cool to have a grown woman pull back the curtain so to speak...and reveal some of the things that their own mothers wouldn't tell them because it would blow a hole in the mother-daughter - I rule you follow blindly - dynamic. I didn't know where to start though. So in 2009 I came up with a list of things that I thought it was just generally important to share, woman to girl, and I posted it on Face Book. The intent was to make each item on the list its own post. But true to form...I never got to that. The response to the list though...well it was overwhelming and unexpected.

Fast forward 8 years (from the couch conversation not the Face Book post…keep up) and guess what!? I have since learned that each person has their own path of mistake-lessons that they are destined to travel. Well DUH! So I may not be able to save my kid from all her drama-to-be, or yours for that matter, but the list...my list…still seems like an interesting idea to me. So here is the deal...the list is below...read at your leisure. I am going to randomly pick a topic from the list to write about whenever the mood strikes. That will keep me writing, and hopefully it will keep you reading. In the process I may share a story or two, that while completely inappropriate and TMI, you may relate to. Either way the here's the list. Enjoy or don't - I'll be here talking in any case.

*Note: If you like my ideas feel free to share BUT please give me credit. Stealing is bad and my ideas are my babies. You wouldn't want to be a kidnapper now would you? Now go ahead and read.

1.      Your relationship with your father or lack thereof, shapes you forever. It is probably the most important of your life.

2.      It is great to have your own opinion even if it doesn’t “fit.”

3.      It is important to know when to share that opinion and when to keep it to yourself.

4.      A true leader or ruler knows when to submit. This will be true of all your relationships.

5.      Look at all of your relationships – friends, lovers, employers, employees, children – and you will find patterns. You are the common denominator.

6.      Judge not lest ye be judged.

7.      Everything you do comes back to you, but not in the way you think or expect.

8.      Your mother and father have done it before you – you are not slick.

9.      He will not like you better if you do it, he will spend more time with you because you do it. That is not the same thing.

10.  You are worth more than you could ever imagine, act accordingly.

11.  You set your price, no one else does.

12.  Your hair is fine. You are beautiful.

13.  We are all jealous and envious, even the cool girl, especially the cool girl.

14.  Your parents are just as messed up as you. They are still working on their own self esteem and issues. Give them a break.

15.  If you don’t feel safe, he is not for you.

16.  If he does not say you are his girlfriend in front of people, then you are not.

17.  Credit is important – learn as much as you can about it.

18.  Anything or anyone that tries isolating you from your family, friends, and what you know to be home, is not good. That includes church.

19.  The nerdy kid that dresses funny and talks to himself, may be your boss some day. Treat him well.

20.  The nerdy kid that dresses funny and talks to himself, may also become a crazy lunatic. So again, treat him well.

21.  Ok so 19 and 20 are funny, but I say all that to say that you never know who is sitting next to you, or what they could be in your life. There is something to learn from everyone.

22.  There is always a choice.

23.  People don’t change, they make different choices…it’s called growing up.

24.  Food is good – develop a healthy relationship with it.

25.  Exercise now so it becomes a habit.

26.  Please look at how he treats his mother and the other women in his life before getting involved. Even if she’s crazy – look at how he handles her.

27.  His ex’s story could soon be yours. There are two sides to every story. The truth is between them. She couldn’t be that bad if he chose her and if she is THAT bad, then question his intelligence.

28.  Even if he says he doesn’t care – learn to cook something well, clean up after yourself, and have something you do that does not involve him.

29.  Everything mentioned in number 28 you should be doing for yourself anyway.

30.  Learn to love other girls and women; they are your source of strength, wisdom, and experience. Say hi and smile. Her blues are like yours.

a.      A note about #30: You sound ignorant when you say “I don’t really get down with girls like that.” You don’t sound cool. Men will flock to you because they know you will look out for them before your girls any day. They trust that you will always believe them first and place more value in what they say, than what you see. It’s called being any easy target. They go for the ones with low self esteem first, then you next. Yes we can be catty, but so can they. Get over it.

31.  Pursue your dreams and develop your talents – but be ready for rejection, criticism, and being told you are not talented.

32.  You are really smart and beautiful, but you won’t always be the smartest or the most beautiful person in the room. It doesn’t matter – enjoy the days when you are that person. And when it’s not your turn, learn to let others enjoy their moment.

33.  Education is more important than you know. Take it seriously.

34.  Learn to work what you’ve got – your body is yours forever. (Talk to mom about that one)

35.  It’s okay if you don’t want to have kids. It’s your life. There is no definition of womanhood that you are required to meet.

36.  Take calculated risks, but take risks.

37.  Ask questions and never be afraid of appearing stupid – someone else has the same question.

38.  The angry black woman thing is a myth, but is partly true. We have our reasons, but that is not a pass to be heinous to people just because. Try to roll your eyes and your neck a little less each day. Anger takes energy.

39.  People’s perception is their reality – there is but so much you can control – so make sure you are in order, appropriate, and informed, and the rest will take care of itself.

40.  Did I say that credit was important already….well I am saying it twice. I can do that. It’s my list.

41.  You will be lonely if you do not learn to compromise.

42.  Learn to save for what you want. Trust me – being given everything is not all it’s cracked up to be.

43.  Never become so independent that no one can depend on you.

44.  Don’t be afraid to be interesting.

45.  Paying dues is not a bad thing. Being a doormat is. There are some things you have to earn, but learn to recognize when you’ve earned it.

46.  Good shoes are not a nice to have; they are a NEED to have. Trust me – foot surgery is not fun.

47.  If you hit him…you may get hit back. Are you ready for that?

48.  It sucks, but you will be judged by the company you keep.

49.  Yes…It’s true…you should wait…not forever…but wait. Trust me, its better when you are BOTH in love, when you are BOTH protected, and when you BOTH kind of know what you like or what you are doing. I know…how will you ever know what you're doing if you don’t do it. That’s just one of life’s little jokes.

50.  I know this list is long, and seems impossible. That’s why you weren’t put here alone. Talk…to people…who love you…who have gone through it…who can point you in the right direction…who you trust…who can keep a secret…and who know when they shouldn’t.

And Life Goes On…

I spent the last two years going through…and not that everything is right, but I have finally… gotten through. Life is about choice, and living with those choices. Its not that you won’t second guess them, (you will all the time) but you must accept the path you’ve chosen, and if you want change then create it going forward because backward is not an option. Backward doesn’t exist because our choices have affected more than just our lives. They affect the landscape of those you hold most dear. And they’ve adjusted…so what you knew, what you were familiar with, what was trusted and comfortable, is no longer there. It’s kind of like when you try to recreate an event or a time with your friends…because it was soooo much fun the last time you did whatever. But you can never quite recapture the magic, because the stars are no longer aligned. 

After my husband and I decided to separate…well after I moved is more accurate…I spent a great deal of time reading about marriage and divorce and separation. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/divorce/ was my favorite haunt. I read constantly about what other people were going through. I found that many of my thoughts and fears were shared by others…I also found that my situation could have been much worse. That helped a little. I devoured everything I could on the subject of how to end this thing that had become my entire world. I grew up in my marriage…I felt like I was dying. Well its 2012 and you know what; my biggest lesson has been that life goes on. I didn’t become a new person…but I did find out who I am at my most vulnerable and when I am strongest. I found that I need time…and that there are things I will lose because not everything will wait for me. On the flip side I also learned that I am capable of taking action and adapting quickly. (Not a strong point of mine – lol) 

I have no declarations for 2012 except that I expect great things, because its time to collect on what GOD prepped me for over the last 2 years. And it may not be what I imagine because I can’t claim to know the will of GOD, just that HE protects babies and fools, and I must be a “baby-fool” because my life is better than I can say. 

I feel at peace…like I accept what my life is at this point. I accept that I am single, that I have a great friend and co-parent in my future-former husband (remember I hate the term Ex), that we may only be that (friends and co-parents) going forward and while that’s hard it could be much worse. I accept that he will date and I will be jealous but I am where I need to be for right now. I accept that whoever is for me, will come to me, when I am ready, when I am right, when I am completely grounded in loving myself enough to be loved by someone else. 

I accept that I have to be a better steward over what I have been given – not just concerning money, but my talents and gifts, my beautiful mini-me, my support network, my parents, and my career. I accept that I have to speak my mind…respectfully, honestly, and appropriately in order to have real relationships. I also accept that sometimes I need to shut up, not engage, and let go. I accept that GOD has given me helpers, but I am responsible for my own well being – so I need to get a move on. I accept that I need to PLAN for MY future instead of being reactive. 

I accept that motherhood is hard, and that I screw up all the time, and that doesn’t make me a monster but sometimes I will feel like one. I accept my daughter is 7…not my evil nemesis, not my personal challenge, not the beast within…but a 7 year old version of me and her dad, with ADHD, and a brilliant mind, and big heart, and the logic/mouth of a 40 year old. (She’s been here before I swear). I accept that I will not be able to bend her to my will and that I sometimes will have to change me in order to guide her. I accept also that I kinda miss when you could just beat your kids. LMAO…but seriously. 

I accept that I am overweight and that I need to do something about it – a life style change not a diet or temporary solution. I accept that I am overweight but I am still beautiful and that I can still make men (and women) look twice LOL. I accept that I can feel sexy at any size, but that is all up to me…I didn’t know that for a very long time. 

I accept that I will relapse and will fall back into negativity and envy. I will want my old life back because it was easier in many ways and because I am a Scorpio woman – so what’s mine is always mine damn it! LMAO! I will blame people for my situation, and squander what has been given to me, and I will do everything that I know won’t help.  I will do what feels good instead of what is right. I accept that all this makes me human, and I that I can choose to right myself. 

Mostly though, I accept that life goes on. You can choose to stay stuck, you can choose to go with the flow, or you can choose (with GOD’s help) to drive. Regardless of what you do, life moves forward. In 2010…I was stuck. In 2011…I was fluid. In 2012 I think will see what this baby can do on the open road. (Carefully of course) 

Now I need to go prepare lunch and wine for one of the people that helped me get through. She’ll be here and hungry in a few moments. Happy New Year…hope you have a great 2012. I’ll be here talking in any case.