I had two items on the
list that kind of covered this so I decided to combo them. Keep in mind that I
am supposed to be writing this for my kid…so I am going to completely put her
out of my head (along with anyone else that could be reading this like my
DAD!!!) and just write. That’s the only way the whole story…the honest story
will come out. So here we go #49:
“Yes…It’s true…you
should wait…not forever…but wait. Trust me, it’s better when you are BOTH in
love, when you are BOTH protected, and when you BOTH kind of know what you like
or what you are doing. I know…how will you ever know what you're doing if you
don’t do it. That’s just one of life’s little jokes.”
And # 9:
“He will not like you
better if you do it, he will spend more time with you because you do it. That
is not the same thing.”
Let’s start off by
putting all cards on the table. I did not lose my virginity. It was not
misplaced or stolen. I did not leave it behind on the bus. I was however…careless
with it. I made the decision to have sex for the first time, because I wanted
to see what all the hoopla was about, AND because I was a sexually curious kid
so let’s face it, waiting for marriage wasn’t going to happen. At 15 – I made a
conscious choice to just do it…not with someone I loved (I didn’t even have a
boyfriend at the time) but with someone specifically chosen for the task. His criteria:
·
He
did not go to school with me – this was my business and I didn’t want input or judgment
(that’s a theme with me huh)
·
He
was cute and had a great body for a 16/17 year old
·
Experience
a MUST…I was sooo not interested in fumbling around with someone just as
clueless as me so I picked someone that was known for well…doing his thing…BUT
never from his lips which leads to the next item…
·
He
was always discreet – whatever you knew about him came from speculation or from
the girl involved. And he would never confirm anything nor lead you to believe
things by omission (Translation – at a young age he was already a man about his
shit)
·
Finally
– He was a well raised young man from a family much like my own, so he knew how
to behave. I like bad boys…not hoodlums and thugs…big difference
And after all that – The
man in question is now serving consecutive 50 year sentences for rape, robbery,
and battery…
Nope I am not kidding.
When you compose
yourself you may join me for the program already in progress…
Anyway regardless of
where he is now…he treated me with respect and he was as gentle as he could be.
I called him up with a very businesslike proposition and he tried to make it
nice for me anyway. I appreciate that to this day. BUT I still regret my
choice and how it happened. Here’s why.
Later that year I fell
in love. Not pretend love. Not teenage jitters and angst and heavy feelings
disguised as love…real love. I still love this man at 38 though not in “that” way. I love what he was to me and that he is still one of the coolest people
with the best minds that I have ever met. We shared books, and music, and
interests, and beliefs. We were inseparable. I loved his family. I loved his
friends. He talked to me and expressed himself in a way that made me spoiled
and intolerant of less in future relationships regardless of age. I – Loved -
Him. And I wish that I had waited…and made that memory…with him. Because, while
it wasn’t bad, and I have no hard-luck horror story (except the pain…OMG!!!!)…my
choice of partner wasn’t worthy of the gift I gave. I don’t mean that he was
unworthy as a person. Who am I to judge that? I mean that what I shared, as
much as I like to pretend it wasn’t a big deal… was very precious. The person I
chose to share that with should have shared my mind, and my friendship, and my
trust, and my heart as well. I set my price too low…and for reasons I know now,
but didn’t then…I would continue to do so for a long time…which directly leads
to…or reverses from…# 49, back to # 9 - He will not like you better if you do
it, he will spend more time with you because you do it. That is not the same
thing.
The reality is that I,
and many girls…hell women, use the physical to be liked and to keep men near
us. (Usually the wrong men which is another sad story) Our self-worth issues
run deep. I know mine do. And we mistake him spending time with us, for him
caring. I can’t even begin to figure out how to change this…so all I can do is
repeat…
He will not like you
better if you do it, he will spend more time with you because you do it. That
is not the same thing.
He will tell you, and
you will tell yourself, that people are just uptight and old fashioned. You
will tell yourself that you can have sex and not get emotional knowing all the
while that you like him so much that your insides hurt. Of course there is the
occasional man that you really and truly just want to use for his body and
sexual talent. But honestly…I know all kinds of women…and we are just not built
to be fulfilled by sex alone. Usually the “boy toy” exists because another man
is fulfilling your emotional and soul-deep needs but doesn’t do it for you in
the sex department…. But I digress.
Back to my kid…
I say all that to say…WAIT…and
you don’t need to have sex to have companionship. If you can wait until
marriage well GREAT!!!! I couldn’t – and I knew that very early on. But we are different
people so you may be able to make choices that I didn’t. If however, you end up
anything like me…please…just wait for someone that you care about and that
cares about you and knowing you. And not just someone with the patience
to wait you out either…you’re smart enough to know the difference because you
are already smarter than I was at your age. Look honey…all I want is for you to
know your worth and to set your price far above rubies…but that is another
number on the list and another entry.
Thanks for reading. Hope
you enjoyed… or not …I will be here talking in any case. 