Sign Wanted

Ever ask GOD for a sign and then open yourself up to seeing one and come up with...crickets. Sometimes I feel like the signs are everywhere and that they very clearly point to one thing or another. Other times I would kill for a damned sign...a bright, neon, blinking, obnoxious sign. What the hell is happening? They were all there before! Is it GOD not talking? Well that's just silly because he always answers...I believe that. So clearly it’s me not seeing.
 
Sometimes I wonder if GOD is just fickle. I say this because things that were once so clear are now really effin fuzzy, and sometimes what seemed nebulous is now so clear that I can't see how I missed it. Must be GOD playing games right? But again, HE doesn't operate that way so it must be me misinterpreting. That makes total sense because I am often off my rocker.
 
I'm ranting because I am at a crossroads in my life in a few different and important aspects. And I have been talking with a friend about being faithful to what I thought was my path. Maybe it still is - maybe it's not. The writing that was once clear is not so clear now. Or maybe the season and the reason are over...and well…that sucks. I was just digging into said season. And I am willing to admit that GOD and I have been arguing...well really it’s just been me because HE does this thing where HE lets me scream and pout like I am six, and then fixes everything anyway, and never how I expect it. Because like I said a few blogs back...GOD protects babies and fools so clearly I am a baby-fool.
 
But back to my path and the signs. So yeah - when I was going through my separation/divorce...possibly the worst time I have ever experienced...I was so faithful and grateful for everything I had. I was doubled over in pain and crying floods of tears daily, but somehow I remembered to be thankful because I knew that someone, somewhere, had it much worse than me. I knew that one door had closed, but the open window was waiting if I would just look up. In those days that seem like just yesterday and an entire lifetime ago - the signs were everywhere. SIGNS ABOUND!!! (Love using abound whenever I can… love using query and quandary too but couldn’t work them in. Sigh)
 
Some of the signs were painful – like really painful – like images burned into my brain painful- but they were things I needed to see. And in those days I listened. When I was shown something - when it was confirmed more than once - I acted accordingly. More specifically when something couldn't be fixed, I didn't drag my feet hoping for change. I wasn’t lazy and I didn’t make excuses for why I wasn’t quite ready to move. I planned my next steps and made haste. And when something was worth the fight...I planted my feet.
 
Some of the signs were bright and shiny and new and dazzling…and I was happy for them. Simply…happy, and just really glad to find my way in the dark.
 
Either way, the signs were there. My path was illuminated. I followed it. So how did I get here...to yet another crossroads...and no clear way?
 
Comfort is the culprit…comfort and fear of the unknown. I do this thing. I get comfortable and content and I forget to move. Or I get scared of failing or worse…succeeding! So I seek the comfortable and hug the status quo lane. And everything in that space is familiar and safe and eventually taken for granted and then BAM…the shakeup.  I tweeted something once - that life begins at the edge of your comfort zone. Well I am here at the edge. And I really don't want to go through the doubled over in pain/tears thing again for ANY reason so I guess I need to get back to looking for that damned window and being faithful. I just hate discomfort!!! Don't you!? Seriously, it’s like the shakeup has a tracking system on me.
 
But I am hearing the damned crickets and I wish I could just “put on my listening ears” like my daughter’s kindergarten teacher used to say. (She once asked me, what the regular ears are for if she had to put on the listening ones…good question kid) Look I just want GOD to see that I am listening and watching…soooo let’s make with the neon and flashing!

I know this is odd because I haven't written since March and this is clearly not on the "List" but I started to write and this came out. I'm in a strange space so strange things will happen. Anyway its 2:40AM and I am not tired...shocking!!! I don't sleep much, which makes me an expert in Cable Awareness. I am going back to being aware of my very expensive Comcast Premier Package.

Forgive my typos...it's late and I know you have sense and get what I mean. And I'll come back and edit someday. Hope you enjoyed...or not. I'll be here talking in any case.