Being a Grown Woman

So here is the thing. Most people are not ready to be grown ups. I mean we are the correct age and the proper height and weight, but the mind and heart fail to follow in a timely manner. The crappiest part about being a grown up is being responsible and being honest. And by that I mean being accountable for your actions and being honest with yourself, so that you can be honest with others. The truth is that it's no fun being grown.

Being a grown up means admitting that you're not always the smartest person in the room and that people of all walks of life have things to teach you. It is realizing that from corruption comes corruption, and when you think you're being covert...you're being watched.

Growing up means letting go of trying to one-up somebody that you think has done you wrong. Trust me I know this one well. I'm in a situation where I would really like to unleash my rage on a few folks but I realize it would gain me nothing. All the childish stalking, and prowling, and deceit, is actually useless. Any information you need will come to you. Most of us have all of the knowledge we need to make sound decisions, we just won't because we're scared. Any other information after that is just that...information.

Growing up means realizing that the people you judge could be you in a different light or a different situation. If someone looked at you with a magnifying glass - would they see perfection? Well not if they looked at me and I am not ashamed of that. So I let people look as closely as they want. I make no excuses. But I tell my story and let them decide how they want to spin it.  All I have done makes me...well me. And I am OK with the grown woman I have become.

Getting here wasn't easy. By nature I am a base creature. By nature I am the one who wants to fight to the death. I am far from a grown up inside. And it’s a daily fight to remember myself. I am no angel. But even when I do wrong I remember I am doing wrong and I am accountable for it. I don't hold others to standards I don't set for myself. That’s why I have a real problem with words like 'whore' and 'slut.' In the right light - most women could be labeled in that way. If the story is told properly...anyone can make an excuse for their whoring ways LOL. Look I make no bones about what I've done and the choices I have made...good or bad. I am open and I let people decide if they want to stay or go. Labels no longer apply here. But I had to grow into that. I had to grow into accepting the consequences of my actions. I had to understand that I could lose, and lose BIG, based on one choice, one lie I decided not to tell, or one truth I decided to reveal. And I have lost a great deal...but I gained me.

Being a grown woman is no badge of honor...it comes through struggle and pain and work. It is an everyday exercise. It is a marathon. Being a grown woman isn't a permanent state. It’s not a title. It involves so much looking in the mirror that you get sick of the sight of your own reflection.

Most days I just want to be 15 again. I want to relive the day I chose to lose my virginity and walk by his house and keep going. I want to hold on to friends I let go, I want to go to class instead of cutting school for 2 years. I want to go back and just enjoy being young and take my time. But, as I said, growing up means accepting your life and learning from it. It means knowing that life is about choice and that intentions count but they don't negate the outcome. It means knowing that 95% of the time, you are responsible for your own drama. It means sincere apologies and being honest about your motives…at least to yourself.

Today - I am a grown woman. Tomorrow I might not be. But I'll keep working every day. I have a young lady that looks up to me and I take that seriously. Thanks for listening...or not. I'll keep talking in any case.