Rambling

So much happened this week that my mind is overrun with ideas and things that I need to get out of me. It's still hard for me to do this because I am scared of who may be reading and what people may think. But you know...that kind of fear keeps you from doing things that you are meant to do and from finding what GOD has set aside for you.

At one point I tried writing fiction - stories, poems, etc. - because it was a way to write, be creative, and be me behind the curtain of a character. And I actually enjoyed it and the stories were half way descent. (Is that an adjective or did I just use the word for going lower...homonyms maybe...oh well I warned you about grammar and spelling). Anyway I could possibly continue to write fiction, but I find more satisfaction with working through my life on a page. The problem is that other people are involved so I find myself being...general…when sometimes I really need to process specifically.

I recently read Peace from Broken Pieces by Iyanla Vanzant, which is weird for me because I don't do self help and I back away from all things Oprah and/or Oprah related (Another entry but don't worry I respect her...yada yada yada) Anyway Iyanla really bared her soul and exposed herself in a way that made me relate to her. I had heard her story before but this was different...it was truly humble and it was an examination of how she got to where she is rather than "let me tell you how I pulled myself up from nothing." I've heard that story a million times. Same reaction...great story but it seems so out there and so removed from my truth. The story she told about herself...of feeling unworthy and 'less than' and constantly trying to prove herself, and of generational issues, was one I could understand and link to themes in my own life. It was regular woman stuff...not "I have crazy money now let me guide you po’ folk" stuff.

I say all that to say that I want to be able to process me without worrying about the fall out. I want to tell my story without making the participants uncomfortable...which is damn near impossible. I'm not trying to teach or preach or guide - although it would be majorly cool if someone got something out of this and ended up staying a virgin longer or having good credit based on me sharing some of my nonsense. People...trust that I have much nonsense to share!

Anyway as I was saying, this week was high on the Karma meter for me. Apparently this was my pay week in the circle of life and I don't mean that I got paid.  Work was hell, my kid was testing my Clare Huxtable School of Parenting skills, and my personal life - read "love" life - was well...let's just say that Venus was not in the Scorpio house of love and relationships. LMAO. All I want is a drink and a pan of Bread Pudding with that yummy creamy sauce. (I think a nice Port would go well with Bread Pudding) I want to watch Love Jones and You've Got Mail and The Age of Innocence on my couch in some sweats and a head-wrap. I want my mom to make me some curry chicken.

Sidebar: My mom's curry chicken is the BOMB! She may not know how to hug and talk things through and do TV mom shit, but she will sure feed my blues away and damn it, I'll take it!

I just want this week to end already. As always I am thankful for my MANY blessings but this week it was hard to remember them, and I hate when I am like that. It serves no purpose to wallow but I am sooooo good at it. Oh well - 2 hours to midnight and then on to a new week. I think I will settle for a cup of tea and leave the Port for another night. You know the deal...I will be here...even if no one reads...talking in any case.