So I wrote the entry below in July 2010 - read it today and laughed because shit doesn't change. I will occasionally post old things I find...because I can. LOL. Enjoy - I'll keep talking in any case...
Do you help a man learn by being a lady or by being
understanding/objective when he screws up? Or in truth, are you just
reinforcing his behavior and keeping him from seeing the error of his
ways.
I have always been the house diplomat. I want everyone to
get along and to be comfortable. I look at the bigger picture before I
say something or act/react in a way that can adversely affect my
situation. That doesn’t mean that I don’t often make the wrong or
selfish choice. Trust me my life is a map of choices that were not so
wise. But still – in a relationship – especially with a man, I try to
behave with class and grace even if it kills me. It is my job to teach
my young lady how to be just that – a lady. So in situations when the
average hood chick (and she lives inside me too) would go upside
someone’s head or openly beef in front of a room full of people, I get
angry but never to the point that I could be called anything less than a
grown ass woman.
Who am I helping though? The stress comes out
in different ways. I eat, I drink, I cry myself to sleep at night, I get
on my knees and ask GOD why - then praise HIM for the fact that it
ain’t worse and that this is all according to HIS design.
I
never want to be that crazy EX- whatever to anyone. I never want an old
friend to look back and feel that they wasted their time with me. I try
to be a true friend and I want to be remembered as such, even when I
mess up. I would rather you secretly mourn my loss, than be happy to be
free of my tyranny.
But I do myself a disservice in the process
and I think… I am not sure… but I think that I may be encouraging bad
behavior. My thought has always been – if I “go off” or if I act in a
way that is “typical” then my message gets lost. The problem is that I
think that I may have taken that to an extreme that I don’t know how to
pull back from. When do I cut people off? When do I just get to hate and
scream and yell and get it all off my chest? When do I say – “you are
acting like an insensitive asshole and I don’t believe I ever associated
with you!” Why do love and the “big picture” require me to save people
from the hurt that I experience?
Am I being smart and strong or
am I keeping up the facade that I can take everything that is dished out
and keep on moving. Trust me – I know I am well built and that HE has
got me, but where does it say in my contract that I am unbreakable.
I
am not really looking for a response to this because the truth is I am
not going to change. I am just wondering if I am keeping someone from
growing up by not addressing how they REALLY make me feel. You know like
those mothers who raise these irresponsible, self-centered, childish
men because they allow them to do whatever they want (especially with
women) and tell them that the sun shines out of their asses! Or like
these women that think it’s alright to have a nasty mouth and a funky
attitude with everyone because their life is not what they want it to be
– and no one checks them on it. LOL. Sorry – that was such a side bar.
Am
I just afraid of being the total bitch? Am I strong enough to deal with
someone I care about not liking me? I could just be a punk and this
might just be about my vanity and image. Who knows… all I do know is
that I feel like the same things happen to me over and over again. And I
some point I have to realize the common denominator is me. So what do I
do with that?
Forgive the typos - just free writing today.
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