The In-Between Stage

So I cut my hair off on July 3, 2009. Seems ‘hum drum’ to you but it was a big effin' deal to me. My hair was my security blanket. I knew what it could do, what it couldn't do, how it affected my moods...we were a team. My friends, husband, and hair stylist tried to convince me to cut it for YEARS but I wouldn't have any of that. I cut it once before in 1992...trying to embrace my inner Halle Berry circa Boomerang. I was so traumatized by that experience that I vowed never to do it again.  First of all I knew how to work my long hair hustle, and work it well. Short hair left me feeling naked and confused. How do I act coy with Dude X when I don't have hair to flip over my shoulder? Second I was 19, so who had money to be up in Black Hair Is every week to get my hair did. (Yeah I said Black Hair Is...if you don't remember them you MIGHT be too young to read this blog and/or not from NYC. LOL)  Anyway I didn't have the resources to keep it looking right and healthy. Lastly, growing it back was the WORST. I had no style. I looked crazy all the time and I wasn't comfortable enough in my own skin to brave what I call...The In-Between Stage.

Right now I am in a real life In-Between stage. So I figured - while I am figuring out my life, and growing, and screwing up, and being generally crazy...let's just go ahead and grow my hair back to really seal the deal. I love my short hair but I am ready for a new look and now that I have cut it once, and learned work my short "do" with confidence, cutting it again won't be such a big deal. It's like my life...at 19 I didn't have the skills, resources, or confidence I needed to rock my cut. Sort of like my early relationships. I got into things I couldn't handle and that I wasn't ready for trying to be something else or imitate someone that was just a construct in the first place. Then I went through the hellish in-between stage...trying anything to work a leftover cut (read man) while I waited for what I really wanted, or tried to get that “old thing” back. I can name at least 4 dudes that fit my real life in-between stages. Guys that I had NO business being involved with and NO chance in hell with. But I was feeling awkward in my skin and so I made awkward choices. It’s like putting on a bad wig or getting a bad weave to speed through your growing out process.

Then of course my hair grew back. And I held onto it for dear life because it was stable, and I knew it so well, and I could depend on my hair to look the way I wanted it to. I held myself back from change. I never ever tried new things.  I wouldn't even color it. I was the girl with the "hot doobie" in college because that was what my hair looked like every day…every day. LOL. And around that time I started to live my life in the same manner. I wanted safe and secure. It seemed best. It seemed like common sense. And it the midst of it I became predictable and less versatile. I was afraid to go for "special" because it might not work and I wasn't confident enough in myself to know I could bounce back and make a mistake work in my favor. I made the “right” choices and I always knew what I was getting.

When I finally decided to cut my hair in 2009...I was scared shitless. My stylist put my hair in a ponytail and chopped it off in one move.  No Vaseline. I still have it in a plastic bag. We visit from time to time. LOL! (But you know I’m serious right?) Well…short hair was hard at first but I learned to love it, because I was confident in myself, because I had the resources and patience to keep it up, and because honestly...being stable and predictable didn't always get me what I wanted anyway. I got security but not always "special." My hair has been short now for over 2 years. It's been fun. On some days my short cut makes me feel sexier and edgier than I ever felt with long hair - and I LOVE that feeling. On other days I miss being able to flip my curls. Either way I am growing it back because I want to, not because I need to or because I am uncomfortable in my skin. This in between stage is already driving me insane...but what I want is on the other side. So I will look crazy for awhile. And somebody who needs me perfect may not take the time to introduce himself. Then again - there may be someone that sees my vision and decides to wait this out. There are all sorts of hair-pulling rewards for the "waiter" by the way! LMAO But that is a whole 'nother entry.

Either way I am going to need prayer and patience.  Not just for my hair being "in-between," but for all of me being that way. What I want is on the other side so I have to do this - and sooner rather than later. I'm cool if you wait this out and actually...with a few exceptions...I'm cool if you go. I'll be here talking in any case.