The List...#22 "There is always a choice..."

So let’s get started. I've got a glass of wine...I've had a long day...I am feeling good because it was productive but worked up because some things happened today that I am not sure how to address or if I even should. Instead of deciding on that right now - I am going to put my energy into writing. I am choosing not to worry about something that is out of my hands anyway...which brings me to our topic...#22 on the list - "There is always a choice..."

This is a hard lesson to teach a child. I struggle with how to illustrate this to my daughter. She's at that age where kids generally make excuses for poor choices that get them into trouble. Taking accountability for a poor choice or a difficult choice is learned behavior for the vast majority of us. And in a society that has a label and a disorder for every action/reaction we can name...we seem to be learning about accountability less and less. My child is hard headed...like her dad...like me. So what can I tell her?

Well here is the thing...you can't get away from your choices. You never know how the consequences may play out or even when. Accepting the consequences sucks sometimes, but that is part of being a grown up. I still struggle with it. But baby let me be clear...you can't half-ass accountability. It doesn't work. You have to own your stuff and know yourself before you can begin to live honestly.

I've made some interesting choices when it has come to love and relationships for example. Man… I really am here by the Grace of GOD because I have put myself in some really stupid situations when it comes to men. I was young...I was stupid...I was normal...I needed attention...I was looking for approval...I was sexually curious...I was trusting…and all of it was my choice. I didn’t see that then, but I know it now. Hindsight is not 20/20 – hindsight is a bitch that only chooses to kick in once you’ve already gone through! And when you're young you don't know why you are making some of the choices that you are...but just be aware that you have options even when it doesn't feel that way.

In your 20s you'll start to examine WHY you make the choices you make...and you'll still find a way to blame outside factors...your parents, the dude in question, not enough attention growing up, etc. etc. We all do it...we sit around in our dorms and talk about how we HAD to scratch his car because we found out he was cheating. LMAO - because just confronting him would have been too hard I guess. I get it. I’ve been there. I have scratched the car and I felt good…only for a moment though. Yeah...I need therapy...don't judge me!

The hope is that in your 30s...just going by my own experiences and what I have observed in people around me...anyway - in your 30s my hope is that you'll realize that you made and continue make choices based solely on what you want to do at that moment. The rest of it...all the outside factors are just that...motivators for a choice that ultimately lies with you. If you learn what those motivators are...if you are honest with yourself about what you want and need...you'll understand your past choices better, you'll learn what negative things cause you to make negative choices, you'll learn when fear affects your decision, you'll learn when selfishness motivates you instead of love, and you'll learn what helps you to choose wisely and justly.

If you're really interested in growing (because aren’t we all LMAO!) - you'll learn to get past (passed?) the negative factors that motivate you to make poor choices...anger, jealousy, fear, extreme self-preservation, ease...and you'll make choices that may be difficult, but may be better for you in the long run. You'll stop blaming everyone and everything else for your situation...your teacher, your mom, GOD, the other woman, the dude in question. (Him again! LOL) But that is a lifelong lesson that isn't accomplished in a day. Let me say it again - Accountability Sucks. It doesn't allow you to stay a child. It doesn't allow you to pretend you don't see and sweep things under the rug. It doesn't allow you to let go without looking inward first. That is the scary part, knowing it will all come back around, the same choices in a different form, again and again, until you get to the root of your choice. Why did you CHOOSE to lie, why did you CHOOSE to cheat on him, why did you CHOOSE to buy that bag instead of paying your phone bill, why did you CHOOSE to ignore the signs...they were NEON for crying out loud.

I have made poor choices...I continue to...but I know they are my choices. I choose to learn from them, I choose not to sometimes and I stay stuck. I choose to forgive myself...and sometimes I just choose to continue beating myself up. I choose GOD and sometimes I choose to ignore HIS word and HIS way. I choose the easy way for a quick fix sometimes...and sometimes...like now...I choose the hard road so I can find me. BUT it’s all...choice...no one makes me do anything but me. You can’t continue to secretly blame this or that or him or her…because the bad patterns will continue and the positive ones won’t start. GOD has given me free will as HE has to you. So if you find there is no option...look harder...look inward...retrace your steps...how'd you get here...choice.

So back to my wine...and my dilemma from earlier. What dilemma? I choose to conveniently forget.

Can't wait until we can talk about this! The rest of you...enjoy...or don't. I'll be here talking in any case.

The List...And What to DO With It

So back in 2009...no it started before that with a conversation on my couch in 2004...anyway I had an idea to write to my newly born daughter. I wanted to save her some life-drama by sharing a few of my stories with her, and possibly keep her from some of the ridiculousness that I had to learn the hard way. I wanted to be candid and true with her in a way I never would be able to face-to-face. Because honestly…as much as I try to follow the Claire Huxtable parenting example, I am still an old-school, West Indian woman at heart, and there are just certain things that are hard for me to discuss with my child…and they’ll still be hard when she’s 40. (Look I’m trying – don’t judge me!)  

Anyway the idea became larger than just writing to her. I wanted to write for many little girls and women-to-be. I thought it would be cool to have a grown woman pull back the curtain so to speak...and reveal some of the things that their own mothers wouldn't tell them because it would blow a hole in the mother-daughter - I rule you follow blindly - dynamic. I didn't know where to start though. So in 2009 I came up with a list of things that I thought it was just generally important to share, woman to girl, and I posted it on Face Book. The intent was to make each item on the list its own post. But true to form...I never got to that. The response to the list though...well it was overwhelming and unexpected.

Fast forward 8 years (from the couch conversation not the Face Book post…keep up) and guess what!? I have since learned that each person has their own path of mistake-lessons that they are destined to travel. Well DUH! So I may not be able to save my kid from all her drama-to-be, or yours for that matter, but the list...my list…still seems like an interesting idea to me. So here is the deal...the list is below...read at your leisure. I am going to randomly pick a topic from the list to write about whenever the mood strikes. That will keep me writing, and hopefully it will keep you reading. In the process I may share a story or two, that while completely inappropriate and TMI, you may relate to. Either way the here's the list. Enjoy or don't - I'll be here talking in any case.

*Note: If you like my ideas feel free to share BUT please give me credit. Stealing is bad and my ideas are my babies. You wouldn't want to be a kidnapper now would you? Now go ahead and read.

1.      Your relationship with your father or lack thereof, shapes you forever. It is probably the most important of your life.

2.      It is great to have your own opinion even if it doesn’t “fit.”

3.      It is important to know when to share that opinion and when to keep it to yourself.

4.      A true leader or ruler knows when to submit. This will be true of all your relationships.

5.      Look at all of your relationships – friends, lovers, employers, employees, children – and you will find patterns. You are the common denominator.

6.      Judge not lest ye be judged.

7.      Everything you do comes back to you, but not in the way you think or expect.

8.      Your mother and father have done it before you – you are not slick.

9.      He will not like you better if you do it, he will spend more time with you because you do it. That is not the same thing.

10.  You are worth more than you could ever imagine, act accordingly.

11.  You set your price, no one else does.

12.  Your hair is fine. You are beautiful.

13.  We are all jealous and envious, even the cool girl, especially the cool girl.

14.  Your parents are just as messed up as you. They are still working on their own self esteem and issues. Give them a break.

15.  If you don’t feel safe, he is not for you.

16.  If he does not say you are his girlfriend in front of people, then you are not.

17.  Credit is important – learn as much as you can about it.

18.  Anything or anyone that tries isolating you from your family, friends, and what you know to be home, is not good. That includes church.

19.  The nerdy kid that dresses funny and talks to himself, may be your boss some day. Treat him well.

20.  The nerdy kid that dresses funny and talks to himself, may also become a crazy lunatic. So again, treat him well.

21.  Ok so 19 and 20 are funny, but I say all that to say that you never know who is sitting next to you, or what they could be in your life. There is something to learn from everyone.

22.  There is always a choice.

23.  People don’t change, they make different choices…it’s called growing up.

24.  Food is good – develop a healthy relationship with it.

25.  Exercise now so it becomes a habit.

26.  Please look at how he treats his mother and the other women in his life before getting involved. Even if she’s crazy – look at how he handles her.

27.  His ex’s story could soon be yours. There are two sides to every story. The truth is between them. She couldn’t be that bad if he chose her and if she is THAT bad, then question his intelligence.

28.  Even if he says he doesn’t care – learn to cook something well, clean up after yourself, and have something you do that does not involve him.

29.  Everything mentioned in number 28 you should be doing for yourself anyway.

30.  Learn to love other girls and women; they are your source of strength, wisdom, and experience. Say hi and smile. Her blues are like yours.

a.      A note about #30: You sound ignorant when you say “I don’t really get down with girls like that.” You don’t sound cool. Men will flock to you because they know you will look out for them before your girls any day. They trust that you will always believe them first and place more value in what they say, than what you see. It’s called being any easy target. They go for the ones with low self esteem first, then you next. Yes we can be catty, but so can they. Get over it.

31.  Pursue your dreams and develop your talents – but be ready for rejection, criticism, and being told you are not talented.

32.  You are really smart and beautiful, but you won’t always be the smartest or the most beautiful person in the room. It doesn’t matter – enjoy the days when you are that person. And when it’s not your turn, learn to let others enjoy their moment.

33.  Education is more important than you know. Take it seriously.

34.  Learn to work what you’ve got – your body is yours forever. (Talk to mom about that one)

35.  It’s okay if you don’t want to have kids. It’s your life. There is no definition of womanhood that you are required to meet.

36.  Take calculated risks, but take risks.

37.  Ask questions and never be afraid of appearing stupid – someone else has the same question.

38.  The angry black woman thing is a myth, but is partly true. We have our reasons, but that is not a pass to be heinous to people just because. Try to roll your eyes and your neck a little less each day. Anger takes energy.

39.  People’s perception is their reality – there is but so much you can control – so make sure you are in order, appropriate, and informed, and the rest will take care of itself.

40.  Did I say that credit was important already….well I am saying it twice. I can do that. It’s my list.

41.  You will be lonely if you do not learn to compromise.

42.  Learn to save for what you want. Trust me – being given everything is not all it’s cracked up to be.

43.  Never become so independent that no one can depend on you.

44.  Don’t be afraid to be interesting.

45.  Paying dues is not a bad thing. Being a doormat is. There are some things you have to earn, but learn to recognize when you’ve earned it.

46.  Good shoes are not a nice to have; they are a NEED to have. Trust me – foot surgery is not fun.

47.  If you hit him…you may get hit back. Are you ready for that?

48.  It sucks, but you will be judged by the company you keep.

49.  Yes…It’s true…you should wait…not forever…but wait. Trust me, its better when you are BOTH in love, when you are BOTH protected, and when you BOTH kind of know what you like or what you are doing. I know…how will you ever know what you're doing if you don’t do it. That’s just one of life’s little jokes.

50.  I know this list is long, and seems impossible. That’s why you weren’t put here alone. Talk…to people…who love you…who have gone through it…who can point you in the right direction…who you trust…who can keep a secret…and who know when they shouldn’t.

And Life Goes On…

I spent the last two years going through…and not that everything is right, but I have finally… gotten through. Life is about choice, and living with those choices. Its not that you won’t second guess them, (you will all the time) but you must accept the path you’ve chosen, and if you want change then create it going forward because backward is not an option. Backward doesn’t exist because our choices have affected more than just our lives. They affect the landscape of those you hold most dear. And they’ve adjusted…so what you knew, what you were familiar with, what was trusted and comfortable, is no longer there. It’s kind of like when you try to recreate an event or a time with your friends…because it was soooo much fun the last time you did whatever. But you can never quite recapture the magic, because the stars are no longer aligned. 

After my husband and I decided to separate…well after I moved is more accurate…I spent a great deal of time reading about marriage and divorce and separation. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/divorce/ was my favorite haunt. I read constantly about what other people were going through. I found that many of my thoughts and fears were shared by others…I also found that my situation could have been much worse. That helped a little. I devoured everything I could on the subject of how to end this thing that had become my entire world. I grew up in my marriage…I felt like I was dying. Well its 2012 and you know what; my biggest lesson has been that life goes on. I didn’t become a new person…but I did find out who I am at my most vulnerable and when I am strongest. I found that I need time…and that there are things I will lose because not everything will wait for me. On the flip side I also learned that I am capable of taking action and adapting quickly. (Not a strong point of mine – lol) 

I have no declarations for 2012 except that I expect great things, because its time to collect on what GOD prepped me for over the last 2 years. And it may not be what I imagine because I can’t claim to know the will of GOD, just that HE protects babies and fools, and I must be a “baby-fool” because my life is better than I can say. 

I feel at peace…like I accept what my life is at this point. I accept that I am single, that I have a great friend and co-parent in my future-former husband (remember I hate the term Ex), that we may only be that (friends and co-parents) going forward and while that’s hard it could be much worse. I accept that he will date and I will be jealous but I am where I need to be for right now. I accept that whoever is for me, will come to me, when I am ready, when I am right, when I am completely grounded in loving myself enough to be loved by someone else. 

I accept that I have to be a better steward over what I have been given – not just concerning money, but my talents and gifts, my beautiful mini-me, my support network, my parents, and my career. I accept that I have to speak my mind…respectfully, honestly, and appropriately in order to have real relationships. I also accept that sometimes I need to shut up, not engage, and let go. I accept that GOD has given me helpers, but I am responsible for my own well being – so I need to get a move on. I accept that I need to PLAN for MY future instead of being reactive. 

I accept that motherhood is hard, and that I screw up all the time, and that doesn’t make me a monster but sometimes I will feel like one. I accept my daughter is 7…not my evil nemesis, not my personal challenge, not the beast within…but a 7 year old version of me and her dad, with ADHD, and a brilliant mind, and big heart, and the logic/mouth of a 40 year old. (She’s been here before I swear). I accept that I will not be able to bend her to my will and that I sometimes will have to change me in order to guide her. I accept also that I kinda miss when you could just beat your kids. LMAO…but seriously. 

I accept that I am overweight and that I need to do something about it – a life style change not a diet or temporary solution. I accept that I am overweight but I am still beautiful and that I can still make men (and women) look twice LOL. I accept that I can feel sexy at any size, but that is all up to me…I didn’t know that for a very long time. 

I accept that I will relapse and will fall back into negativity and envy. I will want my old life back because it was easier in many ways and because I am a Scorpio woman – so what’s mine is always mine damn it! LMAO! I will blame people for my situation, and squander what has been given to me, and I will do everything that I know won’t help.  I will do what feels good instead of what is right. I accept that all this makes me human, and I that I can choose to right myself. 

Mostly though, I accept that life goes on. You can choose to stay stuck, you can choose to go with the flow, or you can choose (with GOD’s help) to drive. Regardless of what you do, life moves forward. In 2010…I was stuck. In 2011…I was fluid. In 2012 I think will see what this baby can do on the open road. (Carefully of course) 

Now I need to go prepare lunch and wine for one of the people that helped me get through. She’ll be here and hungry in a few moments. Happy New Year…hope you have a great 2012. I’ll be here talking in any case.

The Value of Self Control

My daughter and I have epic battles about her behavior. She’s an extremely bright, beautiful young lady, with…how can I say this…a great deal of energy. Our battles inevitably start because of her self control or lack thereof, which, as a child of West Indian parents raised pre-independence from Great Britain, I cannot tolerate. Control and order was the rule of our home and much like the empire – the rulers ruled and the subjects did their duty. 

 I sound just like my effin’ mother when I am telling her to “keep herself quiet”, which scares the crap out of me but also makes me laugh secretly. I was always of the mind set that I would be nothing like my parents and their “children should be seen and not heard, children’s emotions are theory not reality, there is no conversation because I run tings” style of parenting. But I have to admit – they got some of that right. Evidence: My sister and I – both very intense Scorpio women – have learned to navigate through life’s craziness with class and self respect in tact. (All opinions to the contrary can go read someone else’s blog! LOL) But really, while its true that we need therapy and that our shoulders are so tense that we’ll eventually need surgery to remove the knots…there is something to be said for having self control. 

Now we are an extreme case of the dark terror that lurks beneath a serene mask. And we both have applied much less stringent rules to our own children…in that we let them breathe in our presence and they can voice their displeasure with something about once a quarter. BUT we both instill the importance of keeping outbursts at bay, and we make those little fools recognize that we are the authority and we don’t HAVE to care how you feel. Sometimes you just eat shit and this doesn’t change as you get older. When you get older - it will be your Boss feeding you crap and they won’t give you a hug after.

Here is the thing…kids that do not learn self control, and beyond that, that they are not the center of the universe, grow up to be spoiled, self indulgent adults. They grow to be the panic ridden alarmists at work that hype up every small situation because they can’t be calm until the situation is properly assessed. They grow up to be the guy that has to fight at EVERY event because someone “looked” at him funny. They grow to be the woman who rolls her eyes and makes nasty faces during meetings because she lets her emotions spill into the work environment. They are the people who justify putting their hands on people because they can’t control their anger and express them selves as an adult should. They let emotions control them to the point of being disrespectful even to people they care about. 

Don’t get me wrong…we all have times when we lose it. I am referring to consistent offenders. At this point, at my age, I should know how to behave on a regular basis. And if I lose it at a meeting – I want people to know…wow for HER to lose it…some shit done gone wrong. If I have to put my hands on someone at 38…it should be unavoidable. I just do not believe that people should be allowed to be ridiculous because “that’s just them.” That’s a crock. That is an excuse. It’s an evasion of responsibility. And my daughter will not learn that in my home. 

Look, by no means am I saying that it is an easy task to control my emotions. In fact I know I am probably damaging some other part of me by not letting loose more often. And honestly… in my head, someone is always due for an ass-whippin’. LMAO! But if everyone let themselves behave like they wanted to at every moment - what a world this would be. Then the teacher who is having a bad day and doesn’t want hear the same question, from the same child, for the 100^th time…would be able to take that frustration out on that kid. And one day that child could be mine. See then I would have to get foolish in a public setting. 

My girlfriends and I talk about this often. I have learned control to the point of intolerance, and that is the subject of many jokes amongst my clan.  They all know that if someone speaks to me in some crazy tone, or if you blurt out something hurtful and then use the “that’s just me being me” excuse, I am shutting down on you for a good while…because it’s hard for me to understand not being in control of your emotions unless in the proper setting. I know, I know - I need to work on that.  But on the flip side…If I have to think before I speak, then why do you get to skate? Look if one of my girls gets into a once in a lifetime physical fight with her man and she calls me and the goon squad to come “deal with his case” that is one thing. But if she is a repeat offender that regularly gets in his face or puts her hands on him, and he finally decides to smack her back. Well then that’s her fight – because I am not endangering myself because she can’t use her words. I am not advocating a man putting his hands on a woman, but I won’t excuse her either. We are not kids. And while that example is extreme, we see little snippets of people without self control everyday. I know someone threw a mini tantrum at your job today…think hard…you know I’m right. And if it was you – check yourself.

This all came up because I was sitting in a meeting today with a very panicky colleague of mine. She was raging about some minor thing which is not unusual for her. And she mentioned how I seemed so calm. I laughed and assured her that I am always on 10 inside but that my upbringing forbade me from showing emotion ever, much less in a work setting. The client sitting next to me said “yeah you must be West Indian because you sound like me.” We quickly discovered that we were both Jamaican. LMFAO. She went on to say that people often confuse her calm demeanor for her lacking a sense of urgency, which I have experienced as well.  But as people get to know you, they come to see you as a stabilizer which is not a bad thing but it does become taxing once and a while.

Ultimately my daughter and I have very different personalities. And I want her to be able to express herself much more freely than I did. But she has to learn to be intelligent and respectful about how she does that. And she has to learn to manage me, and her dad, and our separate styles, because as I said…these are skills that you need as an adult. My sister and I do OK for ourselves, and I have really come to appreciate my parents for teaching me to keep it together by any means necessary. I mean would I have liked to have an opinion…sure. Would I have liked the pleasure of saying “mom – I’d really rather you didn’t put me in a purple outfit with red ribbons,”…well yeah. Would being able to ask a question in a room full of adults…like oh I don’t know…can I get off the couch because its 90 degrees in here and the plastic is making me sweat…would that have been nice…Yes. But you can’t have EVERYTHING! LMAO. 

Anyway – enough of my rambling. And I promise I will blog about any tantrums I throw just to keep it fair.  Enjoy…or not. I will keep talking in any case.

Cyberstalking

Been sitting here drinking and cooking all day. Well... seasoning and marinating meat and drinking. Watching Gone With the Wind for the zillionth time. And teetering between wanting my Beemer back or hoping they total it out so that I can get a nice, reliable, gas efficient Honda or Ford. Its one of those days...prepping for a holiday, rain, sappy movies, and too much wine. I used to do this with people...family ...but I am getting used to doing this alone. Dancing in my kitchen alone. And I don't feel awful about it, although it takes some getting used to.

It's a facebook, twitter stalking day. It's amazing how much you can piece together about someone's life because of cyberspace! It's also amazing how much you get wrong because the narcissist in you believes that every written status, blog, or "like" is about you. The reality is that life is so much bigger than you and what you see is just a glimpse. Remember that Good Times episode when Willona gets a job watching people in the dressing room? And she lets a thief go and discovers that she too is being watched when she hears her bosses voice over a loudspeaker, questioning why she didn't stop the thief. And then her boss’s boss speaks up as well much to the surprise and dismay of the first boss. Willona says..." How you like that...the watcher of the watcher of the watchee is being watched!"  My point exactly Ms. Woods, that's how life is now. While I am stalking, I am surely being stalked. And from multiple angles and differing sources. And as nosy as I am, what can I say but...Welcome.

The best stalking fodder is a picture. To quote the old adage...they are worth a thousand words. Nothing gets you motivated like a good picture of your friends at an event you weren't invited to, or your ex with his new chic, or your current with his old chic, or the beautiful baby of a long lost love. I have had many a giggle with my girls over some picture we found on a Facebook page or MySpace (remember MySpace!!!???) . I have also had to calm a few people down over pictures as well. But that is what you get when you stalk.

...Wow that was the day before Thanksgiving...LOL. I never finished because A: I got caught up stalking, B: I got too tipsy to type...because that happens in my world LOL or C: As usual I start to read back, decide I am crazy and leave yet another unfinished entry.

I am going with D: all of the above!

Anyway - I am posting this because... why not. Enjoy or better yet finish my thoughts...I'll be here talking in any case.

A Repost from 2010: A Rant About How I Deal

 So I wrote the entry below in July 2010 - read it today and laughed because shit doesn't change. I will occasionally post old things I find...because I can. LOL.  Enjoy - I'll keep talking in any case...

Do you help a man learn by being a lady or by being understanding/objective when he screws up? Or in truth, are you just reinforcing his behavior and keeping him from seeing the error of his ways.

I have always been the house diplomat. I want everyone to get along and to be comfortable. I look at the bigger picture before I say something or act/react in a way that can adversely affect my situation. That doesn’t mean that I don’t often make the wrong or selfish choice. Trust me my life is a map of choices that were not so wise. But still – in a relationship – especially with a man, I try to behave with class and grace even if it kills me. It is my job to teach my young lady how to be just that – a lady. So in situations when the average hood chick (and she lives inside me too) would go upside someone’s head or openly beef in front of a room full of people, I get angry but never to the point that I could be called anything less than a grown ass woman.

Who am I helping though? The stress comes out in different ways. I eat, I drink, I cry myself to sleep at night, I get on my knees and ask GOD why - then praise HIM for the fact that it ain’t worse and that this is all according to HIS design.

I never want to be that crazy EX- whatever to anyone. I never want an old friend to look back and feel that they wasted their time with me. I try to be a true friend and I want to be remembered as such, even when I mess up. I would rather you secretly mourn my loss, than be happy to be free of my tyranny.

But I do myself a disservice in the process and I think… I am not sure… but I think that I may be encouraging bad behavior. My thought has always been – if I “go off” or if I act in a way that is “typical” then my message gets lost. The problem is that I think that I may have taken that to an extreme that I don’t know how to pull back from. When do I cut people off? When do I just get to hate and scream and yell and get it all off my chest? When do I say – “you are acting like an insensitive asshole and I don’t believe I ever associated with you!” Why do love and the “big picture” require me to save people from the hurt that I experience?

Am I being smart and strong or am I keeping up the facade that I can take everything that is dished out and keep on moving. Trust me – I know I am well built and that HE has got me, but where does it say in my contract that I am unbreakable.

I am not really looking for a response to this because the truth is I am not going to change. I am just wondering if I am keeping someone from growing up by not addressing how they REALLY make me feel. You know like those mothers who raise these irresponsible, self-centered, childish men because they allow them to do whatever they want (especially with women) and tell them that the sun shines out of their asses! Or like these women that think it’s alright to have a nasty mouth and a funky attitude with everyone because their life is not what they want it to be – and no one checks them on it. LOL. Sorry – that was such a side bar.

Am I just afraid of being the total bitch? Am I strong enough to deal with someone I care about not liking me? I could just be a punk and this might just be about my vanity and image. Who knows… all I do know is that I feel like the same things happen to me over and over again. And I some point I have to realize the common denominator is me. So what do I do with that?

Forgive the typos - just free writing today.

The In-Between Stage

So I cut my hair off on July 3, 2009. Seems ‘hum drum’ to you but it was a big effin' deal to me. My hair was my security blanket. I knew what it could do, what it couldn't do, how it affected my moods...we were a team. My friends, husband, and hair stylist tried to convince me to cut it for YEARS but I wouldn't have any of that. I cut it once before in 1992...trying to embrace my inner Halle Berry circa Boomerang. I was so traumatized by that experience that I vowed never to do it again.  First of all I knew how to work my long hair hustle, and work it well. Short hair left me feeling naked and confused. How do I act coy with Dude X when I don't have hair to flip over my shoulder? Second I was 19, so who had money to be up in Black Hair Is every week to get my hair did. (Yeah I said Black Hair Is...if you don't remember them you MIGHT be too young to read this blog and/or not from NYC. LOL)  Anyway I didn't have the resources to keep it looking right and healthy. Lastly, growing it back was the WORST. I had no style. I looked crazy all the time and I wasn't comfortable enough in my own skin to brave what I call...The In-Between Stage.

Right now I am in a real life In-Between stage. So I figured - while I am figuring out my life, and growing, and screwing up, and being generally crazy...let's just go ahead and grow my hair back to really seal the deal. I love my short hair but I am ready for a new look and now that I have cut it once, and learned work my short "do" with confidence, cutting it again won't be such a big deal. It's like my life...at 19 I didn't have the skills, resources, or confidence I needed to rock my cut. Sort of like my early relationships. I got into things I couldn't handle and that I wasn't ready for trying to be something else or imitate someone that was just a construct in the first place. Then I went through the hellish in-between stage...trying anything to work a leftover cut (read man) while I waited for what I really wanted, or tried to get that “old thing” back. I can name at least 4 dudes that fit my real life in-between stages. Guys that I had NO business being involved with and NO chance in hell with. But I was feeling awkward in my skin and so I made awkward choices. It’s like putting on a bad wig or getting a bad weave to speed through your growing out process.

Then of course my hair grew back. And I held onto it for dear life because it was stable, and I knew it so well, and I could depend on my hair to look the way I wanted it to. I held myself back from change. I never ever tried new things.  I wouldn't even color it. I was the girl with the "hot doobie" in college because that was what my hair looked like every day…every day. LOL. And around that time I started to live my life in the same manner. I wanted safe and secure. It seemed best. It seemed like common sense. And it the midst of it I became predictable and less versatile. I was afraid to go for "special" because it might not work and I wasn't confident enough in myself to know I could bounce back and make a mistake work in my favor. I made the “right” choices and I always knew what I was getting.

When I finally decided to cut my hair in 2009...I was scared shitless. My stylist put my hair in a ponytail and chopped it off in one move.  No Vaseline. I still have it in a plastic bag. We visit from time to time. LOL! (But you know I’m serious right?) Well…short hair was hard at first but I learned to love it, because I was confident in myself, because I had the resources and patience to keep it up, and because honestly...being stable and predictable didn't always get me what I wanted anyway. I got security but not always "special." My hair has been short now for over 2 years. It's been fun. On some days my short cut makes me feel sexier and edgier than I ever felt with long hair - and I LOVE that feeling. On other days I miss being able to flip my curls. Either way I am growing it back because I want to, not because I need to or because I am uncomfortable in my skin. This in between stage is already driving me insane...but what I want is on the other side. So I will look crazy for awhile. And somebody who needs me perfect may not take the time to introduce himself. Then again - there may be someone that sees my vision and decides to wait this out. There are all sorts of hair-pulling rewards for the "waiter" by the way! LMAO But that is a whole 'nother entry.

Either way I am going to need prayer and patience.  Not just for my hair being "in-between," but for all of me being that way. What I want is on the other side so I have to do this - and sooner rather than later. I'm cool if you wait this out and actually...with a few exceptions...I'm cool if you go. I'll be here talking in any case.