And Life Goes On…

I spent the last two years going through…and not that everything is right, but I have finally… gotten through. Life is about choice, and living with those choices. Its not that you won’t second guess them, (you will all the time) but you must accept the path you’ve chosen, and if you want change then create it going forward because backward is not an option. Backward doesn’t exist because our choices have affected more than just our lives. They affect the landscape of those you hold most dear. And they’ve adjusted…so what you knew, what you were familiar with, what was trusted and comfortable, is no longer there. It’s kind of like when you try to recreate an event or a time with your friends…because it was soooo much fun the last time you did whatever. But you can never quite recapture the magic, because the stars are no longer aligned. 

After my husband and I decided to separate…well after I moved is more accurate…I spent a great deal of time reading about marriage and divorce and separation. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/divorce/ was my favorite haunt. I read constantly about what other people were going through. I found that many of my thoughts and fears were shared by others…I also found that my situation could have been much worse. That helped a little. I devoured everything I could on the subject of how to end this thing that had become my entire world. I grew up in my marriage…I felt like I was dying. Well its 2012 and you know what; my biggest lesson has been that life goes on. I didn’t become a new person…but I did find out who I am at my most vulnerable and when I am strongest. I found that I need time…and that there are things I will lose because not everything will wait for me. On the flip side I also learned that I am capable of taking action and adapting quickly. (Not a strong point of mine – lol) 

I have no declarations for 2012 except that I expect great things, because its time to collect on what GOD prepped me for over the last 2 years. And it may not be what I imagine because I can’t claim to know the will of GOD, just that HE protects babies and fools, and I must be a “baby-fool” because my life is better than I can say. 

I feel at peace…like I accept what my life is at this point. I accept that I am single, that I have a great friend and co-parent in my future-former husband (remember I hate the term Ex), that we may only be that (friends and co-parents) going forward and while that’s hard it could be much worse. I accept that he will date and I will be jealous but I am where I need to be for right now. I accept that whoever is for me, will come to me, when I am ready, when I am right, when I am completely grounded in loving myself enough to be loved by someone else. 

I accept that I have to be a better steward over what I have been given – not just concerning money, but my talents and gifts, my beautiful mini-me, my support network, my parents, and my career. I accept that I have to speak my mind…respectfully, honestly, and appropriately in order to have real relationships. I also accept that sometimes I need to shut up, not engage, and let go. I accept that GOD has given me helpers, but I am responsible for my own well being – so I need to get a move on. I accept that I need to PLAN for MY future instead of being reactive. 

I accept that motherhood is hard, and that I screw up all the time, and that doesn’t make me a monster but sometimes I will feel like one. I accept my daughter is 7…not my evil nemesis, not my personal challenge, not the beast within…but a 7 year old version of me and her dad, with ADHD, and a brilliant mind, and big heart, and the logic/mouth of a 40 year old. (She’s been here before I swear). I accept that I will not be able to bend her to my will and that I sometimes will have to change me in order to guide her. I accept also that I kinda miss when you could just beat your kids. LMAO…but seriously. 

I accept that I am overweight and that I need to do something about it – a life style change not a diet or temporary solution. I accept that I am overweight but I am still beautiful and that I can still make men (and women) look twice LOL. I accept that I can feel sexy at any size, but that is all up to me…I didn’t know that for a very long time. 

I accept that I will relapse and will fall back into negativity and envy. I will want my old life back because it was easier in many ways and because I am a Scorpio woman – so what’s mine is always mine damn it! LMAO! I will blame people for my situation, and squander what has been given to me, and I will do everything that I know won’t help.  I will do what feels good instead of what is right. I accept that all this makes me human, and I that I can choose to right myself. 

Mostly though, I accept that life goes on. You can choose to stay stuck, you can choose to go with the flow, or you can choose (with GOD’s help) to drive. Regardless of what you do, life moves forward. In 2010…I was stuck. In 2011…I was fluid. In 2012 I think will see what this baby can do on the open road. (Carefully of course) 

Now I need to go prepare lunch and wine for one of the people that helped me get through. She’ll be here and hungry in a few moments. Happy New Year…hope you have a great 2012. I’ll be here talking in any case.