Talking in Circles

Tonight I had a lesson in miscommunication. The thing about all of these ways to reach people is that you cut down on the talking. Yes - writing gives you a platform, a way to express things that you may not feel comfortable saying aloud. But you lose something. You lose tone and nuance and flavor. You lose the look in someones eyes that reveals truth or treachery.

I used to rail against my ex-husband (oh god that is hard to say but that is another entry) anyway...I used rail against his use of text messaging to argue. I fought it and fought it, but eventually I gave in and began to engage him in it. It was around the time of our demise. I found that text messaging allowed the fight to continue long past the expiration date. No one ever got the last word. We never had to stop because we would be late for work or to drop our child off. We could just continue via text. And it was easier and more potent than email because it was an immediate exchange. After those dark days you would think I would learn. But then there came...BBM.

BlackBerry provided a new and exciting way to communicate without waiting and without trace unless you stupidly decide to email your chats to yourself as I have...so you can reread a love note or relive a heated argument. NOTE: Never keep anything...commit it to memory and press delete. TRUST ME...yet another entry.

Tonight I mistook a loved one's concern for my heart as a dismissal. They wanted only to remove me from drama and I took it as a sign that they wanted me gone for other reasons. Thank GOD we cleared it up after some time, but in the moments that I believed the worst...I couldn't breathe. I should know better. I have studied enough mediation techniques to know that I should ask clarifying questions. But when your blood is boiling and your heart in involved...who the hell remembers that.

Anyway - it was a close call. But it made me come back to write after a month and a half. That and a million other reasons. I won't apologize for being gone so long. I can't. It's my thing you know...I start and stop.I hardly ever finish. I reread and then delete. I have a million and a half entries in various places at home or at work. But hey...it's for me so no apologies here. Do what you want with it. I'll keep talking in any case.

'Night people.