Quiet Time

So the hardest thing about being separated is the quiet. Yesterday just sucked. Work was overwhelming and the politics were too much to deal with. All I wanted was a glass of wine, someone to listen to me vent...that knew all the background, and a pair of strong arms to hold me. Those are the things you forget in the heat of the battle. You forget the little things about the life you built with someone. And once you have been used to that for as long as I had it...the days like yesterday knock you down.

I spoke to a girlfriend of mine who has been without a partner for a while and who has always lived alone. She told me that even when you have never had those arms on a full time basis...you still miss them. Well I wouldn't know her pain and I am not begrudging her, but I KNOW what I am missing and it effin' sucks.

The weeks that my daughter is with her father are my test weeks. That's when I meet me and figure out if I would even be friends with such a person. That is when I can't use the kid excuse to define my entire life and all my activities. Don't get me wrong it is not a break from parenting because that never turns off, but it is a time when you find out what you would fill your life with if you happen to have 5 extra minutes. Is it work? Is it writing, or music, or working out? My interests were "our" interests for so long. There was always noise and "stuff." And all of a sudden the quiet of my life was deafening.

That first week with out her I cried constantly. The next few weeks I filled with phone calls and visits to girlfriends because being alone meant tears and screaming fits and eating everything I could find. I worked late into the night so I wouldn't have to come home to the quiet. But when you don't do what you love...that doesn't last for long. I drank way too much wine and watched TV to escape my head. Anything to create noise and fill space.

I am not used to being alone. I lived alone for about 18 months after college before moving in with my future husband. And even before that...my relationships ran one right into the next. No rest stops, no vacancies. I have been with someone since I was 14. That's 24 years of shared interests and space and time. My adult life was mostly spent with my husband. I was defined by our relationship. I am that sort of woman. I don't mean that I lose myself...I mean that I am a relationship girl. I was built and designed for that. That is where I thrive. So this new phase...this new life is so... foreign. The prospect that once my daughter is like 13 - and I am only her chauffeur and bank book (she'll realize my worth again when she's around 30 so I'm good) that I may actually have to live with ME defining me is scary as hell. My Hell has spiders so that's pretty damned scary.

Gradually though, I have started to find my place in the quiet times. I looked up one day and recognized the damage I was doing to myself  by escaping and indulging. (24 extra lbs in a year helps you recognize that fairly easily) And I realized...shit I used to be a lot more interesting than the tragic girl I see in the mirror. I am rediscovering what I used to like that didn't need a support group or a second opinion. I am less apt to fill space now and I am  very grateful for some quiet time with nothing to do.

Still though - days like yesterday suck. They really effin' suck. Last night I longed for noise...any noise that would help put the day behind me. I looked at the wine bottle. I looked at the fridge. I looked at the phone. I decided on...ZUMBA! Yes Zumba. But that is yet another entry. Thanks for reading. Hope you'll  keep reading. I'll keep talking in any case.