It's been a while. No explanations
or excuses. Life happens and this writing thing comes in cycles for me. Like
life...everything happens all at once...then for a long time...crickets and
tumbleweed.
I have so much to say...and nothing
at all. There is nothing new under the sun except maybe my attitude towards
life. No sweeping announcements. No major epiphany or reintroduction of the new
me. The new attitude is just the old me making different choices…let’s see how
long they last.
I can't really stand that whole
announcement thing anyway - although I have been guilty of it on occasion.
Don't get me wrong, I love growth and I love tests that turn into testimony. I
learn from that, and I actually seek people who have a genuine lesson they can
share with me. Why go through what they already went through for me? No - what
I can't stand are the self-reflection junkies...the people that have a weekly
epiphany that in the end changes nothing about their lives. I count myself
among them in some respects - my weekly revelation is about my weight...and I
still have that revelation...every week... because I haven't fully committed to
changing that part of my life. BUT I know that I am full of shit on that and I
won't try to sell you otherwise. I am only convincing myself or trying to at
any rate. When I am committed - I make a real effort and I don't need to tell
you and the world about it unless I just need the encouragement at that moment.
But back to my “new” attitude toward
life. It didn't come on suddenly. It has been building up over the last few
years and I guess this year - the year I am turning 40 - I have really begun to
notice the difference.
How do I explain it? Well it's a
little bit of self-love, some getting over the fear of consequences and of not
pleasing people, and some confidence in my abilities. It's also knowing that my
heart is "usually" in the right place and that I have some common
sense, and that people who know me will know that, or they should by now. I
make mistakes and sometimes my judgment can be questionable...but I haven't met
a person who can't say the same. I have also learned that I am responsible for
my life...all of it. Where I am now is a direct result of choices I have made
(in the context of what I can control). There is no one to blame but me and
there is no one that can force me to act outside of my nature. When I do - I
made the choice to respond to a given situation in a certain manner. And I will
deal with the fall out. Nothing harmful that I do is justified – there are
reasons yes…but that is not the same as justification. Even if I have a reason
to do something my actions are still a choice. By the same token if I do
something good – I get the credit for making a good choice…and how nice is that,
even if the credit only comes from me and GOD. (Getting too stuck in the weeds
here – let me move on)
Anyway I am beginning to look at what I am
shown and decide if I want to be in a particular space or not. I mean taking a good long look
and truly seeing...and deciding if in the end - the picture is worth the price.
People assume that if you overpaid for something then you were swindled. Not
so. There have been many times that I have willingly overpaid for something I
wanted because it mattered to me. I have gladly overpaid for convenience, for
beauty, for something that just made me feel good, for the look on someones
face when I do something extravagant for them. That’s what I am willing to pay
and it may not feel right for you but it doesn’t have to. If I am truly OK and
I know what I am getting then that is all there is. I've learned to extend that
knowledge and grace to others as well - and not be so quick to judge and shake
my head at what they put up with...or what they fight tooth and nail for that I
wouldn't give the time of day. Who knows what makes them tick? I sure don't. And on the flip side...if the price is too high...I'm out. But only I know my threshold and so only I am truly qualified to do my own risk/benefit analysis.
It's been so strange - this sense of
self, this willingness to lose things or shake things up in order to be good to
me. I have spoken my mind more since November than I had in 8 years of marriage
(yes I am aware that's a problem – work in progress). I have been unashamed
about my feelings and my life. I have been vulnerable without fear of how it
will be used against me. And I have shown those I love that I love them without
knowing what the reaction might be. It's so freeing and so effin' scary.
Let me step back for a moment...I am
still new at this "not trying to please the world" thing so I am not
trying to say that I don't still wrestle with my thoughts before speaking or
that I don't agonize about the reaction of someone I care about when I do or say something that's best for me but not necessarily good for them. I completely
do. I’m scared to death someone will close the door on me because I have to do
what’s right for me – but then that door was never really open to ME was it. And
understand that I had to LOSE BIG to get to this place. But that was part of
the plan to make me more aware of what I can actually do and what I really need
– not just what I want and what will make everyone else the most comfortable. I am by nature - someone who wants to please
people and take care of them. It's my gift and my crutch. It's what makes me
such a good martyr. HA! But at some point if you don't take care of you, your
whole being will turn against you. It's true - the stress will manifest itself
in all kinds of crazy ways. And when I say "take care of you" I don't
mean being selfish, I mean self-love and self-care. I mean not letting yourself
be manipulated or at least being aware of it when it's happening. I mean making
sure you are not the only one bringing something to the table unless you're
really the only one who can. I mean not taking on drama that you don't have to
and setting the rules of engagement for yourself. I mean not escaping…but going
through the process of dealing and healing. Ah escapism…I know ye well.
I'm rambling. I do that often. It's
my blog so I guess it's OK to do that here. I say all that to say that I am not
a new person, I don't have a new mantra for 2013, and I am not this new - sexy,
fabulous, free woman. I am not going to pull out my best Sex And The City imitation
outfit and strut through NYC – wind machine blowing my newly grown-out hair. I
am the same person I have always been - I am older, wiser, open, sexy,
fabulous, crazy, and completely able to care for me. I want love and affection
and trust and prosperity and health. I love to laugh, and read, and drink wine,
and hug my kid, and watch bad movies and be a general nerd. I would wear jeans
and cowboy boots and a V-neck tee to formal events if I could. I wear A LOT of
jewelry. I cuss way too much. And I know that a man can't
complete me or make me feel what I don't already feel about myself...but by
golly a man is real NEED to have for me (sorry - I know my sentiments are not
en vogue but they are my truth).
I am all the things I always was - I
am just no longer so afraid to say that or be that. I no longer feel guilty
about making sure that I am alright and that I am protected. I am no longer in
"dumb myself down so you're not uncomfortable" mode. Be uncomfortable
- not my issue. I am no longer going to attend every argument I am invited to
so that I can plead my case. I am no longer as worried about people not
understanding - if they want understanding they will seek it. All my tap
dancing didn't work anyway - someone always walked away from the dance unhappy.
Usually me – and how much does that suck?
So forgive me if my new attitude
spills over on to the table cloth - I am still new to this as I said. I will
screw things up and I will make bad calls. Just know that it's with the
intention of being happy so that I can spread the wealth. Happiness is both
contagious and a choice. But that's another entry.
Thanks for reading and forgive the typos. Hope you enjoyed
the rant...or not. I'll be here talking in any case.